More for my own amusement than anything else I’ve been looking at some of the utter weirdness Stockport County would publish in their programme years ago. Phil Brennan the then Matchday Magazine editor kept loads of stuff and sent most of it back to me all these years later. Orson Cartier is unfortunately missing presumed dead after being blown off The Great Orme after a freak gust of wind caught beneath his oversized Kagool and he disappeared out to sea. I’d like to say that he’s sadly missed but truthfully….he isn’t. Here’s one of his presumably first articles courtesy of Phil Brennon. Im afraid I can’t tell you the date or game as it isn’t mentioned in Phil’s email but arrived first so I’m assuming it’s early doors. For some unknown reason the idiot boy Cartier assumed County fans needed a Horoscope!
Orson Cartier predicts your future.
Aries. As a Stockport County fan you are an eternal optimist...however, with the constellation of Orion not bothering to pass Mars this week, you feel a tad melancholic. Not to worry though, as on Tuesday afternoon you will experience a sudden feeling of well-being as Orion becomes 'lost' for twelve minutes.
Lucky number…3,212.
Lucky headgear…a nice trilby.
Unlucky footwear…flip-flops.
Taurus. That 'certain someone' that you have taken a shine to may respond to your romantic overtures this weekend as the outer ring of Jupiter is glowing slightly more than normal! there again, chances are that you will find yourself out of your depth and make a complete fool of yourself. You might want to stay in to save any embarrassment.
Lucky number…can't find one.
Lucky headgear…deerstalker.
Unlucky meal…Pot Noodle.
Gemini. Don't look behind you!
Lucky number…13.
Lucky headgear…beret.
Unlucky item of clothing…trousers.
Cancer 'Blondes have more fun'...or so they say. With the sun sparring the moon this week, it's worth dying your hair white (or if you're bald, wearing a blonde wig). You'll be amazed at the results!
Lucky number…You decide.
Lucky headgear…see-through plastic rain hat.
Unlucky weather…wind/rain.
Leo. I refuse to recognise Leo for obvious reason!!
Virgo. As a Stockport County fan, you know that all good things come to those who wait.…but not in your case. Due to the fact that Pluto is hidden behind Mercury, your weekend will be rubbish... oh, and don't bother with the lottery.
Lucky number…0.
Unlucky headgear…cloth cap.
Unlucky toy…pogo stick.
Libra. Celebrate today's County win with a riding lesson this Sunday, as the star ‘Brownlow-Minor’ is skirting the flange of a black hole. This of course, means an affinity with all things equestrian. So go on, pop on a horse and go for a gallop through the leafy Cheshire countryside!
Lucky number…999.
Lucky headgear…riding hat.
Unlucky part of body…neck.
Scorpio. With the moon becoming almost semi-crescent this evening all Scorpios will feel confident about how they look... Unfortunately, to other people you look unkempt and a 'bit scruffy' The time is right for a make-over. Treat yourself to a new shirt and press those strides!
Lucky number…69.
Lucky headgear…'reversed' baseball hat.
Unlucky household item…iron.
Sagittarius. Don't even think you'll be accepted for that job. See sense and lower your sights.
Lucky number…?
Lucky headgear…knotted handkerchief.
Unlucky TV programme…The Jeremy Kyle Show.
Capricorn With County due to embark on an epic cup run (remember you heard it here first, as I see all!) things may become awkward at work/home when we unfortunately have to take Chelsea to a replay before dispatching them 4 - 0 at Stamford Bridge. Studying your chart, I'd recommend instigating an argument with your boss/partner/both to make sure you are free to travel to the match.
Unlucky number…P45.
Lucky headgear…crash helmet.
Unlucky profession…divorce lawyer.
Aquarius. Don't even think about buying that moped!
Unlucky number…325.
Unlucky headgear…none.
Unlucky junction…Portwood roundabout.
Pisces. (…run out of room ...Ed.)
If you unsurprising, don’t want me to put any more of this rubbish on here, please say! It’s not as though I’m not busy enough at the moment attempting to re-locate Oaf, Hampton and The Dingler into a threadbare WW2 Home Guard surplus two man tent (I found in a skip) as I’m having The Bin Shed turned into my personal Spa (I’m assuming I won’t need Council planning permission)STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Rubbish.
Posted by Froggy on June 19, 2025, 13:53:20, in reply to "Rubbish."
Uranus maybe rising in the stratosphere via Jupiter as the moon rises in Virgo. Capricorn maybe interested the dirty old goat. Most of us won't be arsed. Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Re: Rubbish.
Posted by PhilRobbie on June 18, 2025, 19:09:49, in reply to "Rubbish."
On looking properly at mr Brennan’s files it seem this 1st article was Shrewsbury 2010.STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Rubbish.
Posted by Fuzzbox on June 18, 2025, 18:51:20, in reply to "Rubbish."
Anyone remember a short lived ‘satirical’ column in the early 1990s County programme to which When Saturday Comes declared the author to be ‘Bigot Of The Year’?
Or the ‘Superfans’ feature, which was quickly dropped when many featured were up before the beak on hooligan charges.9B Stockport Edgeley, 9F Heaton Mersey
Re: Rubbish.
Posted by PhilRobbie on June 18, 2025, 18:59:58, in reply to "Re: Rubbish."
I think the second one was in a fanzine rather than the programme, I may be wrong (I usually am!) STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Rubbish.
Posted by MickMck on June 19, 2025, 12:01:42, in reply to "Re: Rubbish."
I think the Superfans thing might have briefly been in the programme before being dropped, but I could be wrong.
Didn't Cartier the astrologer eat one pie too many and morph into Russell Grant? Or maybe not.
Regardless, I still suspect the Cartier boy was a fake who plagiarised old news and rewrote it as forecasts.
Capricorn's P45 had a historical precedent as far as this sea goat is concerned. My refusal to work overtime at adidas on the Sunday County were away at Chesterfield in the 1990 play-off semi was instrumental in my shortly forthcoming redundancy. QED, as maths buffs like to say.
on June 18, 2025, 18:32:58
