Posted by PhilRobbie on February 2, 2025, 13:58:54
After last Thursdays disastrous ‘Spoons Alive’ concert on Portwood Roundabout when the ridiculous Hampton came up with his stupid ‘Spoons Ablaze’ idea and set himself on fire, those of you who were traumatised by a small burning man on a Space Hopper deserve a refund…unfortunately it’s Cartier Industries policy not to submit refunds…so apologies, there’s nothing I can do.
I admittedly received numerous complaints about only one artiste bothering to turn up and accidentally setting himself on fire halfway through his first song (a punk version of Leo Sayer’s pop hit ‘You Make Me Feel Like Dancing’ apparently) not only were the audience confused about his weird choice of opening song but were shocked when he exploded into a ball of flames…luckily the gormless little idiot was airlifted to safety still attached, or welded to his space hopper which after deflating grafted itself to his legs. Surgeons worked well into the small hours to remove Hampton from Hopper and administer skin grafts. So all’s well that ends well.
The Dingler unfortunately suffered from pre Spoons nerves and began drinking heavily at 10am thus he was a shambles when he eventually staggered toward Portwood Riundabout and was promptly run over. He too is in ‘Burns Trauma Ward 5’ after his head hit a tanker carrying nail polish which after staggering from the scene and lighting a fag, found out to his cost, is highly flammable. Still he now has what he considers a permanent ‘fetching’ smile (which I must confess I find a bit disconcerting if not downright creepy)
Oaf, of course lost interest in the proceedings when his bike got a puncture and in his own words “couldn’t be arsed” repairing it time for the gig.
But fear not! We go again once Hampton gets off his behind and stops lazing about in the Burns Unit….YES a week on Wednesday Cartier Industries presents….
LIVE FROM THE BEAR PIT, MERSEY SQUARE !!! BRITAIN’S MOST TALENTED ELECTRIC COMB AND ALUMINIUM FOIL PLAYERS. In a crafted into a musical event that will make you laugh, cry and possibly soil yourself!….to the new futuresque Musical…COMBS AHOY! a tale of the sea and Combes with aluminium….from the future!
YES YOU HEARD THAT CORRECTLY!
Sea Shanties will abound as this song and dance spectacular that lasts an amazing 4 hours 23 minutes of naval futuristic frolics!: All done on pogo sticks!!
This is a show that simply shouldn’t be missed! Rehearsals have already started and the sound of acoustic combs are emanating from the bin shed as we speak! Oaf, is mastering not to cover the audience with crumbs from his Steak Bake whilst The Dingler is attempting to twist his halloweenesqe smile around the comb….as soon as that layabout Hampton gets here I intend to make them go electric. What can go wrong? See you all next Wednesday evening! 7pm - 11:23pm (no interval) Tickets are a mere £67:34p per person (no concessions/refunds) STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: New Venture!
Posted by dosser jacket on February 3, 2025, 6:53:23, in reply to "New Venture!"
Phil you might get 70k dungers turn up. It's only £1.34 more than it is to watch their weekly shite at the dungheap
Re: New Venture!
Posted by PhilRobbie on February 3, 2025, 9:45:11, in reply to "Re: New Venture!"
Everybody’s welcome as long as they have enough ‘folding’ about their person Sir. Even your good self! STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: New Venture!
Posted by Fuzzbox on February 2, 2025, 21:01:42, in reply to "New Venture!"
I’m quite good at playing ‘shoe box with rubber bands’. Can I be a support act?9B Stockport Edgeley, 9F Heaton Mersey
Re: New Venture!
Posted by PhilRobbie on February 3, 2025, 9:51:36, in reply to "Re: New Venture!"
Sounds intriguing. You’ve given me an idea. Open auditions at the bin shed on Coopers Brow this coming Friday…it’ll only cost a mere £10 per person (no refunds if invariably disappointed)STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: New Venture!
Posted by Matty ov Rio on February 2, 2025, 19:27:37, in reply to "New Venture!"
What a way to go! What did that poor space hopper do to deserve being welded onto Hampton’s legs?Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Mark Twain
Re: New Venture!
Posted by PhilRobbie on February 3, 2025, 9:54:29, in reply to "Re: New Venture!"
The Hopper had no choice as it was caught up in the fireball that was Hampton!STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: New Venture!
Posted by TheRealExile on February 2, 2025, 15:14:22, in reply to "New Venture!"
Don't know how you manage to put on such extravagansas at the bargain prices, I doff my Trilby to you sir The beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad so I had one more for dessert.
Re: New Venture!
Posted by PhilRobbie on February 3, 2025, 9:57:42, in reply to "Re: New Venture!"
I raise my imaginary stove pipe hat back at you Sir. Running Yellowboard was a damn site easier (though to be honest the ex used to do most of the work!)STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: New Venture!
Posted by sta-prest on February 2, 2025, 17:45:19, in reply to "Re: New Venture!"
I can confirm that these events truly are spectacular, having paid the caretaker at Lancy Hill flats £75 to use the window cleaning cradle, I managed to stand atop of Pendlebury towers and saw the whole episode unfold. I also avoided Cartier Industries extortionate ticket prices.
Oh bollox I've just realised....."There is a forgotten, nay almost forbidden word,which means more to me than any other. That word is England"
Re: New Venture!
Posted by PhilRobbie on February 3, 2025, 10:05:50, in reply to "Re: New Venture!"
That Sir is a double kick in the teeth as one of my jobs in the pandemic was to mop those bloody flats from top to bottom (including the bin areas!) Now a couple of years later, sat enjoying my retirement in my rooms, I find that you of all people have been openly gaining access to Cartier Industries Extravaganzas for nowt!! I’m livid….don't be surprised if one night you hear the crunch of an overweight connoisseur of the Steak Bake upon your drive!STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: New Venture!
Posted by Mustafapoint on February 2, 2025, 20:52:26, in reply to "Re: New Venture!"
Are they entered for BGT this year?
Re: New Venture!
Posted by PhilRobbie on February 3, 2025, 10:10:39, in reply to "Re: New Venture!"
Forgive me but this modern day ‘text speak’ has me flummoxed. Please explain what you mean by “BGT”? If it’s a cleaning job The Dingler will captivate any employer with his (to me) hideous smile!STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: New Venture!
Posted by Mustafapoint on February 3, 2025, 18:30:30, in reply to "Re: New Venture!"
Britain's Got Talent.
It's not the name of a new butty.
Re: New Venture!
Posted by Fuzzbox on February 3, 2025, 11:40:47, in reply to "Re: New Venture!"
BGT = Brinnington’s Greatest Twit. (Although the locals call it something slightly different).9B Stockport Edgeley, 9F Heaton Mersey
Re: New Venture!
Posted by dosser jacket on February 3, 2025, 17:51:05, in reply to "Re: New Venture!"
on February 2, 2025, 13:58:54
