After last Thursdays disastrous ‘Spoons Alive’ concert on Portwood Roundabout when the ridiculous Hampton came up with his stupid ‘Spoons Ablaze’ idea and set himself on fire, those of you who were traumatised by a small burning man on a Space Hopper deserve a refund…unfortunately it’s Cartier Industries policy not to submit refunds…so apologies, there’s nothing I can do.

I admittedly received numerous complaints about only one artiste bothering to turn up and accidentally setting himself on fire halfway through his first song (a punk version of Leo Sayer’s pop hit ‘You Make Me Feel Like Dancing’ apparently) not only were the audience confused about his weird choice of opening song but were shocked when he exploded into a ball of flames…luckily the gormless little idiot was airlifted to safety still attached, or welded to his space hopper which after deflating grafted itself to his legs.
Surgeons worked well into the small hours to remove Hampton from Hopper and administer skin grafts. So all’s well that ends well.

The Dingler unfortunately suffered from pre Spoons nerves and began drinking heavily at 10am thus he was a shambles when he eventually staggered toward Portwood Riundabout and was promptly run over.
He too is in ‘Burns Trauma Ward 5’ after his head hit a tanker carrying nail polish which after staggering from the scene and lighting a fag, found out to his cost, is highly flammable.
Still he now has what he considers a permanent ‘fetching’ smile (which I must confess I find a bit disconcerting if not downright creepy)

Oaf, of course lost interest in the proceedings when his bike got a puncture and in his own words “couldn’t be arsed” repairing it time for the gig.

But fear not!
We go again once Hampton gets off his behind and stops lazing about in the Burns Unit….YES a week on Wednesday Cartier Industries presents….

LIVE FROM THE BEAR PIT, MERSEY SQUARE !!!
BRITAIN’S MOST TALENTED ELECTRIC COMB AND ALUMINIUM FOIL PLAYERS.
In a crafted into a musical event that will make you laugh, cry and possibly soil yourself!….to the new futuresque Musical…COMBS AHOY! a tale of the sea and Combes with aluminium….from the future!

YES YOU HEARD THAT CORRECTLY!

Sea Shanties will abound as this song and dance spectacular that lasts an amazing 4 hours 23 minutes of naval futuristic frolics!:
All done on pogo sticks!!

This is a show that simply shouldn’t be missed!
Rehearsals have already started and the sound of acoustic combs are emanating from the bin shed as we speak!
Oaf, is mastering not to cover the audience with crumbs from his Steak Bake whilst The Dingler is attempting to twist his halloweenesqe smile around the comb….as soon as that layabout Hampton gets here I intend to make them go electric.
What can go wrong?
See you all next Wednesday evening! 7pm - 11:23pm (no interval)
Tickets are a mere £67:34p per person (no concessions/refunds)