Yes you read the title correctly! The intrepid Hampton at 5am this morning tested a format that could make the Town of Stockport even more trendier that it already is!
THAT’S RIGHT!!
Cartier Industries intend to hold a homemade aircraft competition to further science/entertainment in the area. The rules are simple!
Just knock-up your contraption in the shed (or front room if you don’t own a shed)….on the first Monday afternoon of every month, six competitors will launch majestically from atop the centre arch of Stockport Viaduct.
All one has to do is avoid the trains/any over-zealous security, position yourself in/on the contraption and it’s ’CHOCKS AWAY’ as you hurl yourself over the edge!
Prizes will be awarded for the person/persons landing the furthest distance from said viaduct. There will be 32 heats with one lucky winner going through to a grand final on St. Barnabus day 2026 which excitedly, as most of you have realised falls on a Thursday!
The grand final prize will be a years supply of Pot Noodles…so it’s time to get serious folks!
Obviously safety is key in this competition (I don’t want to be seen as Stockport’s answer to Noel Edmunds!)
…so, as mentioned earlier I involved Cartier Industries chief crash dummy…I mean pilot, to make sure that all would be above board. I spoke to Hampton last week and told him to sort out his flying machine and gave him an unprecedented budget of £13.50 of which I’m afraid The Dingler ‘borrowed’ whilst Hampton slumbered…still with The Dingler out of the way in Witherspoons Hampton had the run of the bin shed (apart from Monday when Oaf turned up and vandalised Hampton’s first contraption…I asked Oaf what exactly did he achieve by this frankly moronic act to which shoulders were shrugged and he rode off into the sunset to destination unknown.
Anyway, Hampton wasn’t happy this morning as I hauled him up towards Edgeley Station, struggling with his ad-hoc and flimsy flying machine constructed from Metro free newspapers (he had quickly to nip on and off various busses to glean the correct amount, actually 16 buses to be exact!)…and balsa wood found by my good self in a skip at the back of The Hobby Shop on Portwood, apparently it had been binned because it was deemed ‘to weak to build with’ due to an oversight at the balsa wood factory (too much balsa…not enough wood?)
For some reason I’d forgotten to mention the actual flight path to Hampton, who wrongly assumed he could start from ground level. When I broke the exciting news that he would start from a couple of hundred feet, so he he’d have an excellent advantage…with myself screaming encouragement through a megaphone from the obvious safety of the pavement “GET A MOVE ON YOU STUPID LITTLE TWERP!!” the cowardly shorthouse began skriking like a baby. After I’d verbally booted him up the backside a couple of times he just about pulled himself together and hauled himself along the tracks towards the centre arch…where he collided violently with a goods train, the dozy little good for nothing!
But all was not lost the momentum of the train transformed Hampton into a majestic-like bird of prey as he soared upwards before his pathetic balsa/metro craft folded in half and he plummeted downward into the river Mersey.
A fantastic distance of 8 feet away from the viaduct was recorded and this proves this competition is a goer…WELL DONE HAMPTON! You’ve saved the day again and they’ll be HOT water in your egg & custard Pot Noodle this evening! …if he’s released from Water Damaged Trauma Ward 3 at Stepping Hill that is….unfortunately I forgot/couldn’t be arsed to give him any bus fare but the walk will double as physiotherapy, so it’s win, win!
The entrance fee for The Cartier Industries Flight Trials is a mere £170 per machine! Payable in advance (cash only, no refunds) to myself NOT OAF, THE DINGLER OR HAMPTON! Competitors take part at their own risk and any injuries incurred are nothing at all to do with Cartier Industries (indeed any visits from the police will come to nothing as I’ll deny ever meeting you)
SO COME ON FOLKS!
LETS PUT STOCKPORT ON THE MAP!
DIG DEEP NOW!STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by Mustafapoint on August 2, 2024, 15:04:43, in reply to "Airborne Hampton!"
If CIA (Cartier Industries Airline) makes a go of this, will they sponsor the viaduct, which will turn into Stockport's own international airport, and will it be renamed Stockport Ciaduct?
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by Mustafapoint on August 2, 2024, 15:07:12, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
I am a bit worried though, PR, that your letters of your assistants' first names equate to DOH.
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by Pedro on August 2, 2024, 13:17:46, in reply to "Airborne Hampton!"
Very funny and a great read. It was that funny that even Mrs Pedro laughed... and she is a Chelsea fan and I don't see them laugh that often.
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by dosser jacket on August 2, 2024, 14:08:48, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
They weren't laughing in 1902 either
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by PhilRobbie on August 2, 2024, 13:44:38, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
Perhaps you could knock up…I mean engineer a flying machine for both of you? In fact (after a somewhat disappointing response)…I’ll pencil you in for the first Monday of August!
Congratulations Mr & Mrs Pedro! You’ll start proceedings with no doubt a superb machine.
I’ll be at The Royal Scot on Memorial Day to collect your £170 (two for the price of one as I charge by the contraption not by the body)
What can go wrong?
You could treat this event as a weird second honeymoon! I could arrange for The Dingler to shout encouragement through the Cartier Industries megaphone as you plummet romantically into The Mersey (£50 extra I’m afraid…I have to cover costs… but worth every Penny! I’ll be outside the pub expectedly clutching my clipboard from 12pm.
Don’t forget your wallet Sir!STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by dosser jacket on August 2, 2024, 14:09:57, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
go for it Pedros'
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by MickMck on July 31, 2024, 16:07:40, in reply to "Airborne Hampton!"
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by TheRealExile on August 2, 2024, 9:32:10, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
Those 'magnificent' men in their flying machines 🎶The beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad so I had one more for dessert.
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by PhilRobbie on August 2, 2024, 10:54:11, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
Not too sure that either Hampton or The Dingler could be described as ’magnificent’! The local skateboarders refer to them as ‘The Underbank bin shed bell ends’…which, although a tad disrespectful, just about hits the mark.STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by dosser jacket on August 2, 2024, 14:10:42, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
Are they men?
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by dosser jacket on July 31, 2024, 15:11:44, in reply to "Airborne Hampton!"
superb Phil✈️🛫🛬🛸🚀🛩️☂️⚰️
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by Mustafapoint on August 1, 2024, 17:53:54, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
Will the winner get to fly over Wrexham's ground, towing a banner saying Champions 24-25?
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by dosser jacket on August 1, 2024, 20:29:22, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by PhilRobbie on August 1, 2024, 18:02:12, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
I very much think the winner will land/crash about g30 feet away from the viaducts at best judging by Hampton’s efforts. …so I think promenading above The Racecourse could be something of a non-starter….but you never know.STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by PhilRobbie on August 1, 2024, 16:58:01, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
Not being funny but if the bloke who’s currently atop the Viaducts is anything to do with my flying trials….he’s not paid me! Cartier Industries are distancing themselves completely.STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by PhilRobbie on August 1, 2024, 18:03:37, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
‘Nothing’…not *anything* Bloody iPhone!STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Airborne Hampton!
Posted by dosser jacket on August 1, 2024, 17:04:04, in reply to "Re: Airborne Hampton!"
on July 31, 2024, 14:45:36
go for it Pedros' 
