Whilst on a Pot Noodle run for my staff this morning I couldn’t help but notice that I live above a ‘Vegan cake shop’... not one for turning down cash for Cartier Industries, I purchased a primus stove and ingredients to put my employees to work on creating a Cartier Cake whilst I retired to my rooms for a well earned siesta.
Oaf did quite well with his ‘Oafalator’ monster cake but to be honest it tasted a bit like all Greggs fancies crammed together in a big dish with a Cream Horn chucked randomly on the top...and as there was evidence of Steak Bake pastry flakes on his jumpsuit I began to suspect foul play. ...good effort Oaf, but...as usual, no cigar.
Next up was supposed to be The Dingler but I disqualified him immediately for using a strawberry jam and beef dripping concoction...apart from obviously failing miserably to qualify as Vegan...it stunk to high heaven.
With Spangle losing interest and sloping off to ‘Spoons early doors, my heart sank as only Hampton was left. Not being funny but after once complaining to him why my morning toast hadn’t yet arrived he replied that “it keeps boiling over”...let’s just say I wasn’t holding my breath.
I was about to concede defeat when, to my utter astonishment, a flour and egg covered culinary hero emerged from the bin shed triumphantly holding a home made biscuit aloft. I nervously nibbled the the confection as a fidgety Hampton looked on. It tasted plausible!...a sort of ginger nut covered in chocolate affair that didn’t melt in the mouth to be honest but my molars remained intact and I didn’t throw up...that’s all that can be asked from a biscuit in my opinion. The only problem was the presentation. It wasn’t great...in fact it resembled something a chimp with ADHD had chucked together.
....of course that’s when I realised...THAT’S the very selling point. It’s a well known fact that you’re average vegan will spend over the odds for ‘specialist’ scran (...and believe you me, this cake looked extremely ‘special’) I named the fancy ‘Hampton’s Rampton Cake’ and although I noticed the proprietor of the the Vegan Cake shop slip it in the bin instead of giving it a go..DON’T WORRY! They’re on sale as we speak!
THAT’S RIGHT you...yes YOU!...could have the Cartier Industries Hampton Rampton Cake crumbling onto your tongue this very week! Oaf will deliver this tremendous treat TO YOUR DOORSTEP!...on his bike.
Don’t delay. Order today!
£52 per pack of 4 £31:23 delivery charge.
(Cartier Industries take absolutely NO blame for any gut-related diagnosis related to this product)