In today's issue, our resident conspiracy theorist Orson Cartier ponders a possible (though frankly unlikely...Ed.) link between Ebbsfleet and 'The New World Order'.

Hello
The other day, whilst I had a bit of free time in between lunch and electrotherapy, I began to wonder if there was a possible connection between Ebbsfleet and the New World Order
(an all-controlling secret organisation that, unbeknown to most, runs the World... a bit like Cheshire Sports, but bigger!).

Once my medication 'kicked in' and the voices in my head partially subsided, All Became Clear!

It's obvious when you think about it!.... The very word Ebbsfleet could mean 'receding ships' of which an anagram is of course, 'chip greediness' ... or a person that is perhaps a little too fond of chips, that person could be described as a 'glutton for potatoes' ... Now then... if you were to remove all the letters from the phrase 'glutton for potatoes' except the 'E', 'L' and 'S' ... then add an 'I' and a 'V' ... the word 'ELVIS' mysteriously appears! ... This led me to realise that if you were to remove the 'L' and then the 'V' from 'ELVIS' you would be left with ... er ... LV, short for luncheon voucher (a voucher which enables the holder to buy lunch). But, this is irrelevant.

The real link is quite obviously with Elvis ... Now, you have to ask yourself 'is the King of Rock and Roll still alive?' and if so, 'is he the leader of a New World Order' possibly based in Ebbsfleet?

Let's look at the facts shall we? ... The swivel-hipped one was as famous for his love of burgers as he was for wobbling his legs and one can't imagine him cooking his own burgers, so it leads us to the conclusion that a burger van must have been parked outside Graceland's (his house) on a pretty permanent basis.
If you remember, Elvis wasn't short of a few bob, so one can only assume that a chef would be installed in said burger van to see to all of the King's burger-based demands.

Chefs, as we know, can be quite an arrogant bunch (especially the French) so to my way of thinking, no self-respecting chef would want to just cook burgers, no matter how much Colonel Tom Parker paid them... So, the obvious solution would be to employ an up-and-coming junior chef, perhaps a fresh-faced Gordon Ramsey might have been 'in the frame'?

Unfortunately for Ramsey, he was only about 10 years old when the King expired in the lavvie... But, Anthony Worrall-Thompson would have been in his early twenties when Elvis's appetite was at its height!

Do you now see how the jigsaw fits together? ... Thought so!

It's obvious that Worrall-Thompson's abrasive manner would have got on Elvis's nerves and almost certainly a fight would have broken out, leaving Worral-Thompson with the imprint of a blue-suede shoe on his behind!

The disgruntled chef would have returned home nurturing a fierce hatred for, not only Elvis, but probably for all things 'Rock and Roll'... this explains why he almost certainly has never to my knowledge cooked a meal for the Big O (Roy Orbison) at one of his 'celebrated dinner parties'.

As far as I know, there is no record whatsoever of Roy Orbison ever visiting Ebbsfleet which would suggest the dark-glasses wearing crooner had turned down any role in a possible New World Order that I am now convinced is based in the town...but, think again!...

According to Barry in the bed next to me, both Roy and Elvis were showbiz mates with comedy legend Bernie Clifton and Clifton almost certainly had the pair in hysterics with his antics involving his comedy ostrich!

Now I have it on good authority (again, Barry in the next bed) that Bernie Clifton HAS visited Ebbsfleet on more than one occasion. He has been seen in disguise (without ostrich) strolling through the streets without a care in the World!
What's to say that Elvis isn't really dead and just moved to Ebbsfleet on the off-chance of bumping into his hero Bernie Clifton? ...And, why is Clifton in disguise? ... Is it really the genuine Bernie or is it a fake Clifton sent to Ebbs-fleet to confuse us? More importantly, where does Rolf Harris fit into all of this?

You may be agog with anticipation at the conclusion of this conspiracy theory wondering where it will all lead to next and how it'll all tie in neatly to explain everything. But, since starting writing this, the medication has worn off and the 'voices' have returned, thus clouding all reason and rational thinking... Also, it's time for my appointment with the electro-convulsive therapist so I have to go.

But remember, next time you are refused a mortgage or a bank loan, don't blame the banks... Blame the people who RUN the banks and everything else in the World for that matter...! BLAME EBBSFLEET... I'm sure it has something to do with it... if only I could remember what it was....

Take it easy and 'keep watching the skies'!

(How the hell did this absolute drivel get past me?!….You are so fired! Ed.)