Orson Cartier's last ever article before his presumed death by kagool.
This month our 'self-styled' gossip columnist reveals some strange 'goings-on' at Buxton...
Whilst having a quiet pint or twelve after 'The Bucks' fine 3-2 result over the unlucky Stourbridge last weekend...I recognised a familiar figure playing cribbage with the locals in the vault of a well-known Hostelry ...it took me a while to realise who she was and it was only after her song came on the jukebox that I realised that I was in the same room as a Musical legend!
I turned to the landlord and remarked....is that lady who I think it is playing Crib...."you mean Psycho Sara?" he replied...somewhat too matter-of-factly to be convincing.
It was then I realised what was happening....the Scandinavian Songstress who had a number one song in no less than seven European countries (including the UK)....was obviously in league with the staff to keep her identity a secret.
In today's world of 'selfies' and celebrity 'sex tapes' It's no wonder she goes to great lengths to hide her identity.
These 'great lengths' included not washing her hair, wonky makeup, scuffed clothing and swearing a lot (she'd also gone to a lot of trouble to acquire a local accent)...thus, to the less observant, she would appear to be anything than a star of the popular charts!
I tapped my nose and gave the landlord a knowing wink...to his credit he pretended to look puzzled...a performance worthy of an Oscar in my book!
Not wishing to disturb the songbird's privacy I continued to drink heavily and was soon in conversation with a regular who went by the name of 'Gorgeous' George....(an ironic nickname due to the fact that he made Quasimodo look like Johnny Depp) I assumed correctly that 'Gorgeous' was 'in' on the elaborate subterfuge regarding Danish Euro-Pop sensation 'Whigfield' and this was confirmed when he gave me the same non-plussed look that the Landlord had previously worn.
After graduating to the 'top shelf' and before we were ejected onto the lonely Derbyshire streets for playing 'who can lean over the bar furthest without somersaulting into the working area and breaking one's nose in the process'....(A honourable draw ..) my new drinking partner realised that I'd tumbled who she was when I confided in him that I was aware the singer of the smash-hit song 'Saturday Night' was in our midst.
He then told me for a fee of £270 and 40 cigs, he'd reveal why she was lurking in a backstreet boozer in the picturesque Spa Town....after raiding my wallet and making a mental note to claim it back on The Non League Mag's expenses...(!...Ed.)...he told me my that the reason for her visit was that she was in the process of putting in a £35m bid for control of Buxton FC!
Her plan had hit a snag though as the Queen of the 90's dance-scene had suffered a knock-back by the big cheese's in the corridors of power at The Evo-Stik HQ.
Apparently Whigfield will only invest her money in the club if all their fixtures are played on....you guessed it!...Saturday night's...
Added to the fact she insisting that the fans had to purchase a copy of her last unsuccessful electro-pop single 'How Long' in an attempt to climb back into the charts....her last 'hit' was back in 1997 when she charted at no. 99 in the Australian Hit Parade with 'No Tears To Cry'...
League Chief's aren't expected to agree to her demands though as firstly, If they grant permission for Saturday evening kick-offs, they'd feel that if perhaps Glossop North End demanded to play on Thursday afternoon (although there's no evidence of this)...it would be only fair to indulge them.
It could start a dangerous precedent where teams are kicking-off all over the shop!
....as for forcing fans to buy obscure European-based 'Uplifting House' records...well that's probably never going to happen...especially after a near-riot at Cheadle Town in 1996 when U2's do-gooder front man Bono demanded that Cheadle supporters pay for a new (£12,000) Mink Fedora after he accidentally sat on it when returning from the gents...(although, again..there's no actual evidence that the incident took place).
To cut a long story short (please!...Ed)...it seems like Whigfield may well be on a loser at Buxton...but it wouldn't surprise me to find she'd switched her attentions to a Premier League club as their rules and regulations seem to be based around filling their pockets without caring a fig about fans.
Watch this space!
The last word must go to Whigfield though...."Dee Dee Na Na Na"....whatever the bloody hell that means...
(My office....NOW!....Ed.)STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Last one…
Posted by MickMck on October 29, 2025, 13:08:39, in reply to "Last one…"
That post should have come with a trigger warning, or whatever it's called, to avoid us over-sensitive types stressing out with a stupid effing choon whirling around inside my stupid effing head.
Mick
Re: Last one…
Posted by PhilRobbie on October 29, 2025, 18:30:08, in reply to "Re: Last one…"
Come on Mick…I reckon you’re a big Whigfield fan, I know I am. Some great memories of that ‘Saturday Night’ tune…a turn to record before leaving the house for a County match to ‘get me in the mood’ I defy anyone to not tap their toes to this masterpiece! What h this video until the end and it’ll show you how Dosser executes these moves down to perfection.
?si=Y4Z9wkZqtaqDvuh1STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Last one…
Posted by MickMck on October 29, 2025, 18:59:32, in reply to "Re: Last one…"
Bugger me, we're all doomed ...
Re: Last one…
Posted by PhilRobbie on October 29, 2025, 18:30:07, in reply to "Re: Last one…"
Come on Mick…I reckon you’re a big Whigfield fan, I know I am. Some great memories of that ‘Saturday Night’ tune…a turn to record before leaving the house for a County match to ‘get me in the mood’ I defy anyone to not tap their toes to this masterpiece! What h this video until the end and it’ll show you how Dosser executes these moves down to perfection.
?si=Y4Z9wkZqtaqDvuh1STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Last one…
Posted by PhilRobbie on October 29, 2025, 19:27:25, in reply to "Re: Last one…"
Yellowboard hates me!STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Last one…
Posted by PhilRobbie on October 29, 2025, 18:32:29, in reply to "Re: Last one…"
I’ve come to the conclusion that Yellowboard hates iPhones!STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: Last one…
Posted by MickMck on October 29, 2025, 19:01:10, in reply to "Re: Last one…"
And there's me thinking you liked it so much you posted it twice.
Re: Last one…
Posted by TheRealExile on October 29, 2025, 15:39:49, in reply to "Re: Last one…"
Superb although I also now have that tune spinning around in my head alongside flashbacks of Coco's and 50p a pint student night where the unfortunately named sticky Vicky managed to spill a table worth of drinks on us, great days 😂The beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad so I had one more for dessert.
Re: Last one…
Posted by MickMck on October 29, 2025, 19:02:09, in reply to "Re: Last one…"
Re: Last one…
Posted by dosser jacket on October 29, 2025, 9:07:31, in reply to "Last one…"
on October 29, 2025, 8:39:56
although I also now have that tune spinning around in my head alongside flashbacks of Coco's and 50p a pint student night where the unfortunately named sticky Vicky managed to spill a table worth of drinks on us, great days 😂
