To put you in an even fouler mood after today’s smash n’ grab…
Posted by PhilRobbie on September 13, 2025, 19:03:32
Yet another load of tripe from Orson Cartier from County’s Barrow programme (circa 2013)
This evening, our self-styled ‘alternative’ historian gives us (in his opinion!) the REAL history of Barrow.
Good evening. After several hours of research (really?!...Ed.) I have for you what I consider the correct sequence of events leading up to the Barrow that we know and love today.
In the Middle ages, two sets of settlers decided to ‘pitch camp’ at what is now known as ‘Barrow’.
One group, led by ex-communicated Bishop Arthur Brownlow, were Devil worshippers and wanted to call the new settlement ‘Beelzebubton’ whilst the other, a rag tag bunch of ruffians known as ‘The Ruffians’ decided on their name of choice as simply ‘The Town’. The two factions never got on and all came to a head after a particularly drunken night in the pub when all hell let loose over a spilt pint cumulating in a running fight that lasted 47 days and only ended when sheer exhaustion took its toll.
Eventually, after a 16 year long feud, the disgraced Bishop and the leader of the Ruffians called ‘Barmy’ Bob, decided to meet for peace talks. Unfortunately, due to a lack of trust on both sides, both took ‘back-up’ and trouble inevitably flared, once again ‘the balloon went up’ leading to 247 arrests, 12 deaths and 168 people injured. The two leaders realised that if events continued as they were, there would be nobody left to live in The Town….so they went for a Kebab and shook hands pledging to call the Town ‘Bar Row’ after the original pub brawl. Over the years, Bar Row has become shortened to it’s present day name of Barrow.
Nothing much happened until the late19th Century when the industrial revolution brought the Town a railway and some docks. ‘Boom Town Barrow’ became one of the World’s leading lights in shipbuilding, fishing, steel manufacturing, and mining….add the fact that by now, Barrow was (obviously) the shoe-horn capital of the World (with over 965 factories churning out literally hundreds of ‘horns’ a day)…..life in Barrow couldn’t be better!
In 1939, with Britain teetering on the verge of War, secret shoe horn scientists came up with an audacious plan to make life uncomfortable for the mono-testiculated leader of the Third Reich…they secretly managed to smuggle a Verruca infected 'personalised' shoe-horn into Berghof (Hitler’s mountain retreat) and from 1942 onwards it has been noted that every time the toothbrush-moustachioed one appeared in news reels, he has a slight limp!.....Well done the shoe-horn boffins of Barrow!
Fast forward to 1963…and while the world was grooving to Rock n’ Roll with Elvis thrusting his hips lewdly and our very own Cliff Richard unnerving pensioners with his trademark ‘leer’……Barrow was in decline. Mines were closing, Steel wasn’t wanted and shipbuilders were moving out……even the lucrative shoe-horn industry was suffering due to the invention of ‘slip-on’ shoes!
Things went from bad to worse for the Cumbrian Town and by the advent of the 70’s, it looked like the place might just close down completely…and but for a sudden resurgence of the shoe-horn industry when legendary popster Alvin Stardust stated in a ‘Record Mirror' interview that he used a Barrow-made footwear accessory on a regular basis…but despite the optimism of locals, the Town was all but derelict.
In the 80’s, word spread that a 12 mile bridge linking Morecambe to Barrow might be on the cards…..but, to be honest, this hardly sent the pulses of the good Burghers of Barrow racing! ….so a new and more ambitious plan to build a Causeway from Barrow Town centre to New York was given consideration…….we’re still waiting for the local Council to raise the money …although a series of Jumble-sales and Beetle drives have been arranged, it might be some time before one can perhaps walk to the U.S.A.
On a more positive note, I have noticed that pop mentalist ‘Lady Gaga’ has what seems to be a shoe-horn Sellotaped to her head in her latest video! So there’s hope yet!!!!!
What would the disgraced Bishop Brownlow and ‘Barmy’ Bob made of it all? We’ll never know as they obviously kicked the bucket years before!
There we have it, a complete history of Barrow! Thank you….and enjoy the game!
(What a complete load of *****!!!!,,,,YOU’RE FIRED!!!!....Ed.) STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: To put you in an even fouler mood after today’s smash n’ grab…
Cheers Phil. Very refreshing to read some well researched and fact checked history, rather than the usual fake news lurking all over t'interweb. Thank you, sir.
Mick
Re: To put you in an even fouler mood after today’s smash n’ grab…
Not me mate… the (presumably late) Orson Cartier. Extracts from Phil Brennan’s spam file of sh*te from when he was County’s programme editor. I acquired the rites to Cartier’s nonsense as Mr Brennan was spring cleaning his office and was in the process of binning some original articles that had fallen down the back of his office radiator. Once he’d calmed down as he observed me fishing through his bins, he let me keep the beer mats/fag packets that these articles were clumsily inscribed.STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
Re: To put you in an even fouler mood after today’s smash n’ grab…
on September 13, 2025, 19:03:32
suberb
