For those of you who are interested (not many I’m guessing) good news reaches us here at Cartier Industries as the idiot boy Hampton has had a disastrous first day as manager of Preston North End.
He was eating a packet of out of date/stale Pork Scratchings (as provided by myself as a ‘No hard feelings you treacherous little swine’ gesture)…when only seconds into his first ever team talk, a bemused PNE playing staff witnessed our hero suddenly stare wide eyed at the ceiling, turn puce then purple cumulating in him slowly slumping to his knees and mouthing the words “Mummy!”.
Luckily the physio booted him up the backside where Hampton spat out the offending Scratching. The whole staff were obviously in hysterics at Hampton’s ridiculous opening antics and were still laughing at him some 5 hours later…with all respect of course obviously lost, Preston’s chairman phoned me explaining that he wanted the diminutive buffoon off his property immediately.
Of course I obliged by sending a taxi (well, Oaf on his bike) to return Hampton to the sanctity of the bin shed where he remains sulking as we speak with The Dingler laughing uproariously at the poor little sod…
As Oaf’s riding iron wobbled down Underbank with Hampton’s be-flared legs dangling from the front basket I stared from my rooms above, realising Hampton’s confidence would need a boost I hit him squarely on the head with my empty can of Stella.
So normal service has been resumed! and as I stand here filling their breakfast pot noodle containers with tepid tap water this early Thursday morning, I can thank my lucky stars that I don’t have to contemplate an idiot replacement…mind you there is potential in a ‘Petersgate Tap’ regular, yes Stuart…I’m looking at you! One for the future maybe?…it’ll keep the other idiots on their toes if nothing else!STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
I’m waiting on Oaf…these days he does as he damn well wants but redeemed himself by stuffing a despondent Hampton into the basket between the handlebars of his works vehicle…Hampton complained that Oaf kept repeatedly slapping him around th head all the way from Preston… but what did the useless midget expect if he can’t be bothered to concentrate on his new job for literally 10 seconds?…the useless little cockwomble!
…but I digress, with the re-emergence of Oaf on board with his Cartier Industries ethic seemingly back in place…I’ve put Stuart on hold for the time being….this is of course dependant on if he wants the job but what person wouldn’t? Free accommodation/free gourmet meals/one’s standing in the community improved immeasurably (not hard for The Dingler to be fair) and of course the prestigious address of ‘The Bin Shed, Coopers Brow, Little Soho, New Berlin, England. (for some reason The Bin Shed hasn’t been issued with a postcode)
Stuart may well strike lucky if say, Hampton was to fall from St. Christopher House aggressively ablaze with The Dingler ‘unintentionally’ placing the crash mat 6 feet to the left of the impact zone and forgetting to bring a fire extinguisher… not that it could happen with my stringent safety procedures in place (sat over the road in The Blossoms pub)…but who knows what random disaster could strike down my crash test Hampton?STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left. 5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids. Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
on August 15, 2024, 6:12:16
glad to see Oaf back hard at work.
get Stuart on board Phil
