Cartier Industries involvement in Saturday’s Family Fun Day….update.
Posted by PhilRobbie on 11/8/2021, 3:13 pm
We’re all looking forward to Saturday when fun for all the family will ensue at Edgeley Park. |
With this in mind I thought I’d take my team there to (for a small fee of £789.43) take part in proceedings.
As mentioned below.
I took the Cartier Industries chaps up to EP to ‘dress rehearse’ the event.
Needless to say, there have been ‘teething problems’…
Oaf’s one and only job on Saturday is to cycle around the car park, stopping when requested to pose for selfies and sign autographs….there was a few people knocking about around EP today so I expected Oaf to react accordingly….but when he was politely asked to pose for a photograph I’m afraid he let the firm down badly by telling the director’s child to “Get Stuffed” through a mouth-shower of Steak Bake before casually cycling off and flicking the ‘V’s at the family!
I’m sure you’ll agree with me that it wasn’t exactly the best start.
….but worse was to come as The Dingler, whilst attempting to demonstrate his superb Parkour technique, totally ignored my advice to replace his ‘lucky’ hob-nail boots for a nice pair of trainers.
Apparently when they tot up the damage to the Stockport County board room cars it could add up to £34,000+!!!
Grrrr. That ‘The Dingler!’
I thought things couldn’t become worse…but of course they did!
Hampton was poised to leap off the roof of The Bergera Stand
and was all set to Bungee ground-ward and just miss the vat of white hot goose grease…when he spotted self-styled Bungee rope measurer (Oaf) smirking at him.
Hampton’s bottle went and his knees began to wobble uncontrollably…I took matters into my own hands (or rather foot) and booted the little coward up the jacksie and hopefully into County folklore.
With my time-honoured cry of “GOD SPEED HAMPTON” down he went. Such was the unexpected kick up the ar*e that he didn’t make a sound on the way down, I expect he was in shock….until a blood curdling scream came from his person as his head submerged into the white hot goose grease!
…he hadn’t time to recover his breath as, with a twang, he sailed majestically back up towards us.
I said to Oaf “I thought you’d calculated the exact length of the rope!”
“I did’’ replied the belligerent cyclist.
I took the decision to slice through the Bungee chord as the smell of burning flesh was beginning to slightly get on my nerves.
Now untethered he flew up above us and onto the roof…of which he fell through and hit the dugouts with a sickening thud…but the dugouts are indeed strong so thankfully survived the impact.
Some annoyed officials berated us for heaving a vat of white hot goose grease onto the touch line but I assured them that Help The Hatters could fly tip the offending article into the ressers after nightfall (I have a strong policy on illegal waste disposal and it’s this…what better way of saving a few quid than hoofing a bit of old rubble and a few mattresses out the back of an old transit van on Werneth Low? It makes economic sense!)
…anyway, I’ve instructed Hampton to sign himself out of the burns unit before Saturday so we should be ‘full strength’…although a few extra calculations may have to take place regarding the Bungee rope due to Hampton being 5 times heavier due to his plaster casts….these things are sent to try us.
One of the many referred to as being ‘Dim Witted’ for still using this board.
(...probably right when I think about it)