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    A week in a life. Archived Message

    Posted by PhilRobbie on 21/1/2024, 10:23:39

    As Managing Director of Cartier Industries (Stockport) I have been approached by local newspaper ‘The Portwood Bugle’ to scribe a diary of my weekly observations for the business section.
    I hope you don’t mind but I’ll try out the first weeks endeavours on here… feel free to scroll past.

    Monday.
    Shopping with The Dingler.
    The Dingler and myself sallied forth to Aldi to see if we could glean any offers on out of date Pot Noodles… success! 26 pots of the delicious meals were found in the bins round the back. Well done The Dingler and his nose for slightly rotting food! That’ll keep my staff going for a couple of weeks and apart from his wages (out of date Christmas sprout Pot Noodle)…I’ve saved Cartier Industries a few quid, every little helps!
    Back to my rooms with The Dingler struggling with the groceries, he retires to the bin shed and I’ll nip upstairs for a large celebratory Jack Daniels whilst I await my weekly Fortnum & Mason’s hamper.

    Tuesday.
    Big day today!
    It’s leaflet day so Hampton is all geared up to Space Hopper around town delivering Cartier Industries ice removal leaflets. That’s right! Our new venture for the cold season is to have Hampton scuttle up your drainpipe and with the use of scalding hot water and a Brillo Pad… to deftly scrub your roof, what could go wrong? We don’t have to invest any ‘hard earned’ on ladders and Oaf found a load of only half-used Brillo Pads in a skip a couple of months ago (I KNEW I’d find good use for them!)
    Despite Hampton’s fear of heights I just de-escalate his nervousness by threatening the little mard arse with a good clanging round the head with my new extra-heavy frying pan, the big transexual!
    All in all everyone’s a winner!

    Wednesday.
    I HATE Wednesday’s so they’ll never be mentioned here again.

    Thursday.
    Saw a bit of snow on the ground in Stockport so I grasped the opportunity for a team photo opportunity (except for Oaf who’s become worryingly belligerent lately!)…so armed with my camera and some damaged skateboards that I had The Dingler relive from the bins behind Suggs (no wheels, no use eh?) when we first started Cartier Industries many moons ago. We then set off for the top of Brinnington Hill.
    It was extremely cold but fear not folks I was wearing my ex-army Greatcoat and three jumpers…anyway, Hampton and The Dingler were dressed in Speedos with felt tip writing on their legs declaring ‘Cartier Industries!…no job too dangerous!’ Then with the help of the damaged skateboards and a hefty boot up their jacksies
    …they made a fine sight flying down Brinnie Hill well The Dingler did as instinct took over and despite his surprise at my sudden assault, he naturally assumed the correct crouched posture position to glide majestically downhill instantly gathering speed…unfortunately the same can’t be said for the staff runt, Hampton he set off at breakneck speed flailing his arms around and screaming like the big girl he is! I was absolutely livid, this is NOT the image I was trying to portray to the public! Luckily a combination of failed Superglue and his ungainly thrashing about led to Skate/snowboard disintegration causing Hampton to reduce acceleration from, I’d guess, 40mph to 0mph in under a second and his failure to get even a little bit of publicity for Cartier Industries was curtailed by a lamp post.
    The Dingler managed to stay upright halfway down the hill reaching speeds of probably 80mph before abandoning my Heath Robinson device and only suffering only a few stitches…unlike the useless Hampton who I had to insist that he sign out of Stepping Hill Blunt Trauma Unit as if he thought he could loaf around overnight when there was icy roofing that needed Brilloing he could think again…the lazy little swine!

    Friday.
    I find Oaf and The Dingler lurking outside the binshed, conspiring to go drinking in Spoons!
    Bloody cheek they could at least be helping Hampton who’s managing to to climb drainpipes with a bucket of boiling water sporting a plaster cast on his leg and arm in a sling… but it’s self, self, self for these insubordinates!!
    So I shoulder charged them into the shed and locked the door. NO Pot Noodle for them tonight!
    Unfortunately Hampton was completely forgotten about and after a 13 hour roof scrubbing shift…he had to spend the night whimpering on the doorstep the big baby! As I explained to him next morning, it’s all for his own good…character building at is best, I’m thinking of changing him as he’s learning so much!

    Saturday.
    With this weeks match off, The Dingler and Oaf locked out of harm’s way in the bin shed and Hampton still sulking up a drainpipe somewhere…I thought it best to have a relaxing day in front of the telly with a Chinese takeaway and plenty of Jack Daniels, this worked a treat and I could hardly hear the shouting from the shed.
    I deserved a good rest, it’s been a fraught week.

    Sunday.
    The Lords day.
    Today I’ll probably indulge myself in my favourite hobby…a couple of hours of Parkour (I wonder if The Prof’s free?)

    So there we have it, a typical week here at Cartier Industries (Stockport) Ltd.
    Now then where’s me leather racing gloves?…


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