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    With X-Mas looming large…. Archived Message

    Posted by PhilRobbie on 30/11/2021, 3:21 pm

    ….the Cartier Industries staff are beside themselves with excitement.
    Especially Hampton who I caught attempting to decorate the bin-shed with tinsel that he’d scavenged from some skip.
    It goes without saying I made him rip it down and burn it before kicking the overgrown schoolboy up the harris and screaming at him “It’s only November!”
    That was this morning and it cost him his Pot Noodle breakfast.
    The Dingler has been on his Christmas ‘do’ since last month and after tincturing the dregs in Spoons, staggers bin shed bound shouting Christmas carols thus pi**ing the neighbourhood right off. I poured a bucket of water over him from my rooms and it seems to have put the idiot off…especially when I told the scruffy layabout that he’s lucky it was only water!
    As for Oaf, we’ll there’s not much change in his behaviour to be honest apart from his Steak Bake paper bags that he litters Underbank with (the Greggs paper bags are adorned with bells and holly in an attempt to be ‘festive’)
    Luckily I learned that the Council needed folk to empty the bins and sweep the floors or Stockport’s Tower Blocks over the Yuletide period so it goes without saying that’s them not disturbing Christmas in my rooms this year.
    Of course I’ve sorted them out with 12 hour shifts over the festivities and made sure the wages of the lazy sods go directly into my bank account (bottles of Jack Daniels don’t come cheap you know!)
    I won’t tell them that any hare-brained jingle-bellled buffoonery will have to be cancelled…I’ll leave that until they’ve made their Christmassy plans.
    You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes.
    As for presents…they (like my succulent X-Mas turkey) can get well and truly stuffed!
    I’m buying the wasters nowt!
    I’m not spending valuable Christmas Gasper money on those three no-marks as all they ‘bought’ for me last year was a second hand figurine that the thriving get The Dingler nicked from a charity shop!
    If they’re lucky they may be able to take a sprout & custard Pot Noodle to work on Christmas Day…depends how generous I’m feeling after my own Christmas shindig in The Spinning Top.
    As for Christmas cards the only person to send me one (posted under my rooms door) was Hampton…a child-like drawing of a Robin on a bit of found A4 paper and folded unevenly in half…it goes without saying I put my Zippo to it without even reading it! …cheeky little swine, how dare he pass on glorified litter when for a mere £7.50 he could have indulged me in a luxury card from Clinton’s!
    I’m livid!
    …and I don’t care how long it took the snot encrusted little irk to ‘felt tip’.
    He was rightfully sent snivelling back to the bin-shed minus his tea!
    Anyway let me be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas from all at Cartier Industries…apart from Oaf who apparently doesn’t give a sh*t.

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