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    ‘Real’ Guy Fawks! Archived Message

    Posted by PhilRobbie on 4/11/2021, 4:19 pm

    With it being Bonfire Night tomorrow evening Cartier Industries are presenting an art piece depicting the burning Fawkes in the centre of Stockport.
    All donations welcome as we dress a struggling Hampton in old jumpers and jeans, douse him in petrol, shove him in a shopping trolley then Chuck a lit match at him and shove him down The Plaza Steps.
    A realistically screaming Hampton will then disentangle himself from one of Aldi’s finest then make haste to the balustrade overlooking The Mersey before flinging himself into the river.
    The intrepid Hampton only has around 3 minutes before he puts himself out else the flames will begin to sting a bit!
    …so it should be a good laugh as he attempts to escape (more or less) pain-free!
    As is well documented, here at Cartier Industries we take the health and safety of our employees quite seriously so we had a run-through yesterday morning that went absolutely perfectly for everyone involved.
    When I say everyone I’m afraid I can’t vouch for numb nuts Hampton as after escaping from the crumpled trolley at the foot of the steps, ran in completely the wrong direction up towards St. Petersgate rather than the Bear Pit.
    This may have something to do with The Dingler forgetting to be on hand to stop the traffic…so whilst a fully aflame Hampton was bouncing from one foot to another desperately awaiting for a gap in the vehicles, The Dingler was sat outside The Chestergate clutching his sides and a cheap pint of ‘Wrongbow’.
    Our hero managed to eventually clear the traffic but the thick black smoke got in his eyes which disoriented him completely…coupled with the fact that he was now 7 minutes into the stunt and beginning to blister up a bit …Oaf didn’t help when he threw lit fireworks at him.
    Confused, he climbed the fence above the taxi rank and hurled himself off.
    I’m not sure who was more shocked when he hit the concrete, the bored taxi driver having a quick gasper…or a now increasing panicking Hampton expecting the relief of water.
    He managed to find his bearings and sprinted towards Mersey Square.
    Slowed down only by a cackling Oaf chucking his bike at him, Hampton finally completed this simplistic stunt and was now wringing wet and crying clutching onto a discarded pallet in the centre of the river.
    I encouraged a few skateboarders to throw stones at him for a laugh then took the rest of my staff to Spoons to celebrate.
    The little shirker didn’t arrive back home to his corner of the bin shed until 4am (his whimpering woke me up!)

    I’m very much looking forward to tomorrow night as this time it will be dark so Hampton will gloriously light up the centre of Stockport!
    Three cheers for Cartier Industries for bringing traditional pleasure to tens of people!

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