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    World Record!!??! Archived Message

    Posted by PhilRobbie on 5/10/2021, 4:03 pm

    Ladies & Gentlmen!
    You join me LIVE from Portwood Roundabout where in a glorious attempt to finally put Cartier Industries on the world map (…yes! you read that correctly!..the WORLD map!!!) the intrepid Hampton is about to beat the world free-fall record and leap from a distance above earth of 2500,546 ft. landing headfirst into a bucket of horse manure (I was advised by Oaf that this would take the sting out of the landing nicely)

    The current world record was achieved by American Alan Eustace with a leap of a mere 123,414 ft. in 2014.
    We gather here today to witness Eustace’s record as useless as Hampton will surely take the honours with his FANTASTIC bound from a plank of wood tied to an ex-military weather balloon (circa 1965) that I acquired in a pub near Boscome Down.

    The intricate launch system was designed by our very own ‘The Dingler’ and consists of the aforementioned plank of wood attached to an ex-scrapyard oily tow rope and suspended from the balloon.
    On reaching the 250,546 world record smashing feet a switch will be pulled down here on terra firma by Oaf and Hampton will be flung into space!

    Hampton has had a specially designed spacesuit from, NOT as you’d expect NASA approved, but a much cheaper version cobbled together last evening in top secret goings on in the bin shed!…it may smack of 46 glued together Pot Noodle empties/a cardboard box/and for some reason only known to self-confessed ‘Space Ace’ Oaf…an anvil dangling from Hampton’s feet…but I’m confident that the plan will comfortably succeed!

    ….well…the balloons now inflated and I must admit that puncture specialist repair kit sold to me for £100 by Oaf was worth every penny…only a slight hissing sound as a visibly shaking Hampton boards the plank…

    And he’s OFF!

    “GODSPEED HAMPTON!!!”

    ….5ft…..10ft….now 15ft!!!

    ….wait!…Portwood. We have a problem!

    Oaf and The Dingler have jointly pulled the Hampton Release Switch 250,531ft too soon!

    Hampton his plunged headfirst into the tin horse manure bucket from a distance of 15ft with a sickening ‘clang’..followed by an even louder ‘CLANG’ when the anvil caught up!
    …he had absolutely no chance of opening a parachute in time, come to think of it I think we forgot to issue him with one!

    A groggy Hampton has now staggered into the traffic partly due to concussion and partly because he couldn’t see where he was going due to the manure bucket trapped firmly on his head.

    Oh dear!…he’s now been hit by a bin lorry!
    At least the bucket served as an ad hoc crash helmet.
    The bin men have now prised the bucket off Hampton’s head and have stumbled away from him due to the smell of 6 week old horse dung whilst both The Dingler and Oaf are literally rolling around laughing hysterically (I’ll be having words later!)

    …So, as it stands Alan Eustace STILL holds the free-fall world record but I’m on the phone to The Guinness Book of Records as we speak to ask “what the World record is for multiple injuries sustained whilst sporting a bucket of sh*t on one’s head?”

    FINGERS CROSSED FOLKS!!!!


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