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    Hampton’s crap performance in marathon! Archived Message

    Posted by PhilRobbie on 6/9/2021, 10:53 am

    How embarrassing for Cartier Industries to report top athlete Hampton failed to finish even plumb last in yesterday’s ‘alternative marathon’ organised by myself to raise awareness for the Pot Noodleless folk of Portwood.
    254 athletes from both locally and around the globe attempted to compete in the arduous 7 mile event starting in in Manchester Piccadilly gardens and ending at the bottom of the Plaza Steps.
    I paid out big money for a celeb to start the event consequently the starting pistol was fired by none other than the bloke who played ‘Minty’ in Eastenders!!
    ….and they were off!….or should I say it went off!…as the gunshot in Manchester echoed around the Gardens people dived for cover and the police returned fire hospitalising poor Minty.
    Unfortunately I’d left it to The Dingler to inform the authorities about the event but, predictably The Dingler “couldn’t be arsed” leading to confusion with the police who then stopped the race immediately.

    Just 2 contenders didn’t realise…a bloke from Brinnington (who I suspect, but can’t prove, dived on a 192 for most of the route)….and the unfortunate Hampton who after being attacked by a spice head in Piccadilly Gardens ran off in the wrong direction and was somewhere near Rochdale before realising that he was a d***.
    The welcoming party gathered at the bottom of the steps unaware of the near riot some 7 miles away and were a bit confused to see the bloke from Brinnie triumphantly jog down the steps to claim victory after only 25 minutes after Minty’s gun…..and then nothing for 17 hours.
    Most had gone home by the time a deflated Hampton appeared at the top of the steps gasping for breath…his baggy shorts ripped where he’d been attacked by a stray dog somewhere in Salford….
    He then collapsed exhausted halfway down and refused to move.
    I shoved him in a discarded Asda shopping trolley and booted it down the remaining flight of steps and across the finishing line.
    The independent Adjudicator (of which I had to pay overtime for!) deemed my act of kindness as a breach of the rules as he didn’t cross the line under his own steam…and promptly disqualified him!
    I trudged home leaving Hampton behind me sobbing on the pavement….NO Pot Noodle for HIM when he can be bothered getting up….the lazy little sod!
    🤬

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