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    Diary of a temporary Tesco worker. Day 4. Archived Message

    Posted by Des Jnr on 23/3/2020, 10:25 pm

    Diary of a temporary Tesco worker. Day 4.

    So, Boris has just made his big announcement. I’ve got one of my own today. It’s for the couple who smashed a glass jar of Sharwoods Curry Sauce all over the floor, that I had to clean up as I was doing that aisle at the time. It’s a short message. You cockwombles.

    In other news, it appears my hilarious daily anecdotes aren’t enough for some people, it’s actually Fart Boy who the nation are taking to their hearts, and demanding more from him. Well, sorry to disappoint, but he wasn’t in today. But I do have another character to introduce. Cheese Man. We were stacking cheese together, and got chatting, as you do. He came out with the following: “I ate cheese constantly as a baby, like all the time. Had to go to the doctors when I was 3 because my shit in my nappies was always white. I was just always eating cheese out of the fridge all the time.” To further the conversation, I replied: “Oh right, any type of cheese in particular.” His comeback? “Anything. I just love cheese.” If I’m still here at Christmas, I hope I get him in the Secret Santa.

    Planning to launch my own men’s fitness business after this, as I know how Jason Statham and Arnold Schwarzenegger get such good bodies. They cart 20kg packets of cat litter and dog food up and down supermarket aisles for an hour or so. ####, they’re heavy. Note to self: don’t bother getting a cat or a dog.

    Realised I’m better than everyone else today. I know they say in life nobody is better than anybody else, and we’re all the same, but they’re wrong. Teachers, doctors, nurses, I’m better than all of you. Because I got given a Tesco fleece today. That puts me in Britain’s 1% elite. In fact, it could actually prove quite valuable in these coming weeks, as it could stop me getting shot dead by soldiers if I’m caught in the street, because as one of this country’s ‘key workers’ now, I’m allowed out on the pavements. So ner ner ner ner ner to everyone else. And no, I can’t get you any bog roll.

    Decided my favourite part of the job is stacking the freezers. Because everything is in cold, hard boxes like pizzas, pies, ready meals etc, they all fit together like a jigsaw. And I now pretend I’m playing a giant game of Tetris. 8 Goodfellas Pizzas slotted in, SCORE! 12 boxes of Birds Eye Potato Waffles, SCORE! I really am starting to enjoy this place.

    Our in-store Costa closed down today, so we got shitloads of cakes, toasties, paninis etc left for us in the staff room. That was pretty cool. Apart from people losing their jobs, obviously. Actually, #### it, the lemon tart was pretty mega.

    A guy asked me where the ham was today. It was literally right next to him. “It’s right there you ####ing moron!” I screamed. (I didn’t really. Whenever I am wearing my Tesco fleece I have to be helpful and courteous at all times. Apart from that couple who smashed the curry sauce who really can go and #### themselves sideways. Even though I don’t know what that actually means.)

    Some woman had a full basket of hot dog rolls with reduced stickers on. That was pretty weird. Unless she’s having some sort of weird secret Coronavirus hot dog party somewhere.

    That’s your lot for today. Potentially tomorrow could be chaos with even more panic buying after today’s announcement. Time will tell.....

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