With Yuletide looming large the Cartier Industries staff are becoming giddy with excitement.
Oaf tells of plans to ‘festivise’ his bike, last year he proudly promenaded throughout the environs of Stockport sporting his ill fitting Father Christmas outfit and tinsel wrapped around the frame of his riding iron, unfortunately his seasonal excess turned disastrously painful as his decorations became entangled around his brakes and he was flipped onto the road badly damaging his Stake Bake, the poor lad was distraught and I gave him hot (well warm) water in his Pot Noodle for his stalwartness…which can be more to be said about Hampton who was thrown from the bike basket and under a lorry, his six weeks in hospital were a nightmare, it goes without saying I didn’t visit him, I couldn’t see the point as he was regularly phoning me to whinge about the food, having no visitors, being sent hate mail (that was actually me sending him an envelope containing a few razor blades to’keep him on his toes’)
Still we didn’t have to put up with him mooching around the place last year….but this year he’s already complained about me ordering a Fortnum & Masons Christmas hamper whilst he cries about having to go bin diving at the back of Tesco on Christmas Eve in an attempt to make himself a Christmas dinner.
The cheeky little swine, am I not allowed to treat myself to a luxury hamper containing fine wines and sumptuous foods after having put up with his idiotic behaviour all year round?
As for The Dingler, I’ve banned him from leaving the bin shed this holiday due to to him stealing leftovers from last years hamper…it shouldn’t concern him that I always order too much and consequently bin half the contents, just because he’s already eaten his special x-mas sprout & custard Pot Noodle it didn’t give him the right to approach my bins!
This year they are in for a shock as I intend to stay locked in my rooms feasting on excellent food with my headphones on whilst watching a heart-warming YouTube clip of the late, great Leslie Cowther scaring children with inappropriate Christmas gifts as not to hear them whining up at me from underbank complaining about this years lack of Christmas bonus.
They don’t know they’re born….call me overgenerous but I always leave em a Christmas cracker to play with after I’ve binned the toy of course (can’t be over exciting them!) they can enjoy the joke and share the paper hat (although I had to have them put into custody a couple of years back after The Dingler snatched the hat from Hampton’s head 3 minutes before his allotted time was due. Apparently Hampton was so delighted in adorning the green paper hat that he was parading and dancing around the bin shed showing off, The Dingler quite rightly whacked Hampton around the head with his Christmas lump of wood and grabbed the hat.
Hampton, not having me to complain to as I was relaxing in my rooms contentedly swirling a large brandy around it’s glass, moaned instead to Oaf….who then decided to set fire to the little coward.
I had to call the police and have them arrested for breach of the peace.
I’m hoping for more relaxing time this year but I strongly suspect my ridiculous staff will be just as annoying as ever!




?si=egXoZ0ldlFV367lk

Now that’s what I call entertainment!!