Orson Cartier
I recently had a trip to The Isle of Wight to visit a friend of mine...Tony 'tin-snips' Thompson...whose currently residing at Her Majesty's pleasure for the foreseeable future at HMP Parkhurst.

He'd requested my presence there as he urgently needed a mobile phone...I won't go into detail but let's just say it was a traumatic experience that has left me walking like John Wayne ever since...

From previous experience I've learned that when 'Snips' demands the presence of your company, it's probably for the best if you comply...after all it's not everyone who makes the front pages of the tabloids with headlines such as... 'Screams were heard 5 streets away!'...but I digress...

'Snips', delighted with his phone, was in a talkative mood, I asked him what he'd been up to and he began to list a frankly stomach-turning itinerary of his recent violence-induced exploits.
In an attempt to change the subject I mentioned that I was now employed by 'The Non-League Magazine' and was looking for a story for the next issue....his eyes lit up as he told me about his cell mate 'Methylated' Mike and his 'association' with the Isle of Wight Football Club Newport
...apparently a couple of years ago he'd escaped dressed as a vicar but was eventually found in
the lavatories at St. George's Park.

Whilst in hiding, he'd taken hostage a member off staff and during the twenty eight hour siege 'Methylated' and the unfortunate turnstile operator began talking....

It transpires that Newport (IoW) are on the verge of packing up and moving to the mainland...
Apparently during the Opening ceremony for the 2011 Island Games (IoW) Seb Coe was in attendance to 'cut the ribbon' as it were...Mr Coe...at the time under immense pressure as he was organising the London Olympics, became a little bit too 'relaxed' in the bar and after partaking in a game of 'top shelf roulette' he signed away The Olympic Stadium to a Newport (IoW) fan...on the back of a beer mat.

The fan thought nothing of it at the time and put it down to alcohol-related high jinx....but, crucially, he'd kept the beer mat as a souvenir. It was only a few months ago when a lawyer friend noticed the mat that it became apparent that it was a legally-bound contract!

The fan immediately contacted the football club and after prolonged 'hush-hush' high-level meetings...I can exclusively reveal to you today that they will start the next season in the London Olympic Stadium. This may come as a bit of a shock to West Ham United who have sold-off Upton Park which is now earmarked for a 700 home development site.

I Mentioned to 'Snips' that the move would be unfeasible with crowds in the low hundreds...'The Port' may have trouble filling their new 54,000 all-seater stadium...but he replied that according to 'Methylated' the 'powers -that-be' at Newport "aren't arsed cos they'll just flog it to the highest bidder once they've got their plates of meat under the table"..

I was appalled and of course my next stop after leaving the prison was obviously to St. George's Park!
....but there was nobody in.

On arrival home, I hastily made a phone call asking for a statement on this astonishing piece of news...but there must be something wrong with the line feeding The Isle of Wight because all I could hear was a noise that sounded a bit like manic laughter...before the phone went dead.

It goes without saying that I emailed West Ham United with my revelations...but for some reason they have not as yet seen fit to reply. Finally I buttonholed Seb Coe after posing as a waiter at a prestigious sporting dinner in London...I have to say he was most convincing at pretending not to know what I was shouting about and to be fair he didn't press charges in the end..

I'm personally looking forward to next season when I expect there will be a few people wishing to offer me an apology! You read it here first!

(What utter libelous rubbish!....you're fired....Ed)