Hello.

Whilst researching for this evenings notes regarding ‘interesting things about Lincoln’ I was fascinated to discover that in the City centre is a Philosophy Café.

Obviously, I had to make haste at once to Lincoln and ‘hold forth’ in such an establishment!

So, using my ‘County Life’ expense account…(WHAT ******* COUNTY LIFE EXPENSE ACCOUNT!!!!.....Ed.)…I journeyed…first class of course…(!!...Ed.) to the Medieval City.

I disembarked at Lincoln Central Railway Station resplendent in tweed suit, ruffed shirt and Spats.
As I’d dressed for the occasion, it would have been remiss of me not to ‘top off’ the outfit with a Paisley smoking jacket, Cravat, Fedora hat, cigarette holder and gold-topped cane (I also started out by sporting a Monocle…but as I couldn’t be bothered queuing for tickets at Edgeley Station and made my way directly to the platform, I paid on the train and my Monocle tinkled to the table and shattered when told the fare was £134!...(!!!!!!!...Ed.)

It was a pleasant day so although I decided to stroll to the aforementioned Café and take in some of the local Public Houses en-route…..I always find one feels a tad thirsty when travelling by locomotion and I’d cleaned out the buffet carriage of rouge wine (!!!!!!!....Ed.)
I still felt the need to ‘oil the cogs’ in preparation for an afternoon’s philosophising.

The first Inn I entered was devoid of any customers and as I was hoping to launch into a debate about the demise of Shakespearian quotage in present-day language, I moved on to another Hostelry…..’The Clog and Pit bull’……an interesting pub with pictures of what looked like mentally ill folk adorning it’s walls…..maybe the premises was once an Asylum of sorts I mused to myself….it turned out that they were ‘regulars’ and the photo’s had been taken as recently as last Month at somebody called ‘Tapped’ Tommy’s birthday party.

I was never destined to actually meet ‘Tapped’ and his chums as I was asked to leave by the proprietor following a glass being pitched in my direction when I began to regale a young lady as to why she was still wearing pyjama bottoms in the afternoon and had brought a shopping trolley with her.

Unabashed, I moved swiftly on to a number of inns around the City Centre and apart from being thrown into the Canal by some building labourers, I thoroughly enjoyed preaching to the masses and was only punched twice….once whilst I imparted my knowledge of the early works of Chaucer to some skateboarders…and on a second occasion when I climbed atop a table in a Working Man’s Club to denounce the existentialist tendencies of Chekov.

….not bad considering I’d been kicked and punched by passers-by outside my own house as I left for the Station!

I now (having fully dried out) considered myself fully rehearsed and made my way to the philosophy Café safe in the knowledge that my views would be taken not only seriously but with awe-inspired approval that would undoubtedly lead to firm friendships being formed as the local intelligentsia hung onto my every word.

I flung open the door of the establishment and was greeted by what I considered to be amused approval by the clientele. Making way over to the counter I paused, thoughtfully placed my hand upon my chin and pondered aloud on the subject of dysfunctional Eighteen Century Governments of Eastern Europe …..a debate on this most contentious of issues would surely ensue…. I then ordered a large Brandy.

It was then that I was informed that the premises were ‘unlicensed’!

It goes without saying that I told the bemused Barista to shove his Café up his **** and left as he was dialling the emergency services.

On the journey home I reflected on the fact that far from my day being an entire waste of time and money,….I had at least learned to swim…..so I considered my glass half-full.

Enjoy the game.
Orson.

(You’re so fired!...Ed.)