It suddenly dawned on me whilst imbibing heavily in Cartier Industries H.Q. The Petersgate Tap, that we have more in common with Disney darlings Wrexham than one wants to imagine.
Not so much with Stockport County Football Club but unfortunately much nearer to home for me here at Cartier Industries!
Allow me to explain.

With bike riding/steak bake guzzling Oaf having ‘gone rogue’ in the last couple of years I now have just the TWO idiots (Hampton & The Dingler) but like Wrexham they spend most of the time bumbling around in the background without seemingly doing anything.

Also, like the Hollywood celebrity Ryan Reynolds, Hampton too is a fashion icon with Reynolds seen in a ridiculous Batman outfit whilst Hampton can be seen around town dressed in retro, once white (nowadays more of an ‘insipid cream’ coloured) flares.

The other bloke appears in an alleged sitcom about a bar whilst The Dingler also frequents a bar (well Wetherspoons to be exact) where he’s regularly to be seen arguing with the bouncers after accusations of nicking dregs.

Money seems extremely important to the Tinseltown pair with various of their own products sponsoring Wrexham allowing them to no doubt trouser any lucrative profits.
Here in Stockport, although I maintain that I pay them fairly both Hampton and The Dingler are always skint but can somehow stagger back to the bin shed absolutely hammered!

Both The Directors of Wrexham and my two, who laughingly refer to themselves as ‘workers’…all enjoy a Pot Noodle supper. The only difference being that I’ve absolutely no evidence that this is the case with the Wrexham duo but I know for a FACT that the two Orson Cartier employees positively devour the inexpensive food every evening, unless of course I’m punishing them for being useless (which happens a lot to be honest)…and my pair prefer their Pot Noodles with cold water…not that they have much choice since I’ve confiscated the bin shed kettle after The Dingler kept repeatedly hitting Hampton around the head with it…for a laugh.

The diminutive American one almost certainly enjoys bounding around aimlessly on a retro 1970’s Space Hopper…as did Hampton. Until Oaf punctured it again…for a laugh.

Both the actors don’t understand the offside rule, both the Cartier Industries idiots don’t even know what day it is most of the time.

Renowned for their apparent tree hugging due to their environmental views (despite sponsoring an airline with a stupid name!)…Hampton too was once seen ‘hugging’ a tree on Petersgate, admittedly some skateboarders had superglued his nose to to the bark. He was stuck for 3 days until realising what had happened, I yanked his head free inadvertently creating a high pitched scream that set off car alarms as far away as Underbank….. It only took three months before he could eat without blubbering the huge mard arse even then he had the brass neck to want to get his swollen head treated at The Stepping Hill head trauma lounge…all while my leaflets advertising future possible Cartier industries profit making events lay undelivered in the bin shed!? No chance!
Mind you his appearance caused the police to be called on five separate occasions and unfortunately a senior citizen was physically ill when he attempted to smile at her.

The Fourth wall that was created after the USA based directors foolishly demolished their Kop in the mistaken belief that the Welsh government would shower them with grants, when in fact they couldn’t give a toss! The small one sponsored his own stand (which is now a load of temporary seats in the rain)… the simultaneous attempts from Hampton and The Dingler to rob me of my fags when I mistakenly dropped them outside my rooms earned the robbing pair of ***** a Pot Noodle free weekend! The only difference is the Wrexham pair seem to have completely got away with their mistake/theft.

Reynolds & the other one can’t play the spoons… but get this, neither The Dingler or Hampton are any good with the musical cutlery!

These amazing coincidences began to un-nerve me the more Jack Daniels I consumed!
…but the biggest similarity by far was that all four of these people are buffoons.

There is also an idea that the landlord of The Turf gorges his profits on Steak Bakes…and did I really see both Oaf and overrated pub landlord crashing a tandem on Brinnington Hill?…or had I dreamt that?…possibly as the barmaid woke me from my slumber in the rain outside The Petergate Tap.