Cartier Industries apologise unequivocally for the shambles that occurred last Wednesday in Mersey Square’s Bear Pit.
For those of you that attended one can only hope that the mental scars will diminish as the years pass by and maybe, just maybe you will be able to look back and perhaps forgive my staff for their outrageous behaviour.
We wish Hampton well and hope he recovers…at the moment he’s still unable to speak and stares from the corner of the bin shed with his mouth permanently agape.

As for Oaf, he simply shrugged his shoulders and cycled off in the direction of Greggs.

I blame the whole incident on my new member of the Cartier Industries staff, Diminutive Dave as I put him in charge of health and safety.
Diminutive let his feelings get the better of him, with his new found status he was strutting around the early attendees a full hour before the Comb/aliminium extraviganza was due to take place barking orders at members of the public and demanding their full attention whilst he stood on the Bear Pit balustrade to read out his homemade lists of his imagined rules.
I was of course livid as I gave him no authority to dictate to our audience what hat to wear or that anyone caught chewing gum would be ejected!
I sent The Dingler over to wrestle his clipboard from him and a three-way tussle broke out with Hampton entering the fray.
Despite being punched on the nose by The Dingler, Diminutive put his marshal arts to good use by flinging Hampton over his shoulder into The River Mersey below.
This curtailed the scuffling and resulted in The Dingler and Diminutive Dave attempting to rescue the now screaming Hampton with Diminutives braces…of course the braces were nowhere near long enough and only resulted in diminutive’s trousers plunging around his ankles… thus ailienating the small crowd of astonished onlookers and seventeen members of the paying public who all left in disgust at the sight of Diminutive’s Y-fronts.
All this whilst a screaming Hampton disappeared in the direction of Liverpool.
I had to cancel the show as the cast were in no condition to continue and the combs/rolls of Aldi tin foil/Marshall stack…remained untouched.
Hampton was rescued by emergency services somewhere near The Wirral and returned after he ran off from being placed into an ambulance.
He turned up in the bin shed four days later one can only assume he walked because I don’t pay him anywhere near enough money for frivolous bus rides.
Still…he’s home now and sits in the corner of the bin shed, mouth agape with his normally shifty eyes staring wildly at me as I tip lukewarm Pot Noodle into him.
I’m still annoyed at Diminutive’s behaviour and rest assured, will be giving him a verbal warning later in the week!

Of course it goes without saying that all tickets sold cannot be refunded…it’s just the way it is I’m afraid. Cartier Industries policies dictate the rules…nothing I can do about it. I’m actually on your side, honest!