I managed to get a couple of my staff on tv wearing Cartier Industries t-shirts (still available incidentally…see below)
Firstly I managed to get Hampton on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ let’s face facts he had no chance….so after I filled in all the paperwork on his behalf I was happy for him to loiter about with the other wannabes and just gormlessly wear the shirt in the background.
Whilst tapping the keypad attempting to put in the correct order Eurovision songs of the seventies, the idiot amazingly accidentally won (on his own admission he winged it and just pressed everything at once!)
I sat in the audience with head in hands as the scruffy little git began to revel in the limelight…this could backfire spectacularly I thought, if he gets to a thousand quid I’d be amazed!
Question 1 was “which footballer was known as Golden Balls?’
A David Beckham
B Pele
C Sir Stanley Matthews
D Stan out of On the Buses
Hampton looked lost but had all three lives…there was still hope that I could trouser his £1000!
He first asked the audience and the results came back as an unprecedented 100% for David Beckham. Hampton’s response? “I’m not too sure because Pele was never erect but took stuff to make him erect but doesn’t mean that his d*** was any good does it “….this is the sort of gibberish I put up with on a daily basis by this idiot!…buffoonery on a massive scale that I can normally control by dispensing a kick up the arse…but at this moment in time, he was out of reach.
Mentally, ignoring the audience Hampton went for the 50/50 the two left were (obviously) David Beckham and the daft comedy answer that NOBODY ever gets wrong, Stan from On the Buses in this case.
After a commercial break (which resulted in me being restrained by studio security) he eventually answered that he’d like to phone a friend so I was just hoping Oaf would answer….luckily he did and I breathed a sigh of relief, Oaf knows his stuff so there shouldn’t be any problems here I muttered to myself…I spoke too soon! Oaf didn’t even speak he just replaced the receiver on his Trimphone and that was the end of that!…the only reason I knew they hadn’t phoned a wrong number was the unmistakable sound of Oaf chomping on his customary Steak Bake.
Still it was still in the hands of our intrepid hero…”I’m going for Stan out of on them busses Jeremy ” came the predictable reply it was at this point I’m afraid I let the good name of Cartier Industries down…I lunged at Hampton (whose reaction to his own ineptitude was a tirade of bad language and tears) from the third row of the audience and was about to chin the thick little sod but was wrestled to the ground by Clarkeson….
So we both were ejected from the premises empty handed.
Next up was The Dingler who I’d booked on Deal or no Deal.
The situation was very much how I’d envisaged the Hampton incident before he got picked…essentially all The Dingler would be required to do was stand with the other losers and open a box with a specific monetary prize secretly held within…not hard, even The Dingler could cope surely?
All went well for the first 3 days The Dingler was in his element with food, drink and hotel paid for…and I was saving a fortune on Pot Noodles…brilliant…until he was picked to actually play on the fourth day!….my stomach had just recovered from Hampton’s error of being alive and now this!
Again I found myself sat in a dimly lit audience sweating as The Dingler strode confidently to his podium clutching his sealed box.
To cut an overlong story short….The Dingler made it to the end of proceedings with all his red high numbers intact leaving the blue side decimated with just 1p left!….what could go wrong? I hear you chorus!….we’ll I’ll tell you what went wrong The Dingler called Noel Edmunds and The Banker “a pair of ***ts” is what went wrong!
“…I was having a laugh with them” protested The Dingler as for the second time in a week I was physically removed from a television studio.
A terrible advert for Cartier Industries and what with Noel being hit with The Dingler’s wooden box (containing the number 250,000) and the receiver of a vintage phone rammed in his mouth the beloved tv presenter is now seeking legal advice.
So…all in all a moderately successful week with one of the shows remaining un-aired for ever and the other will probably be repeated as part of a late night ‘when game shows turn violent’ type programme…so watch out for that!
I’m off now to try and persuade Oaf into Big Brother..wish me luck!
STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left.
5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids.
Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
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