Last night The Cartier Industries Annual End of Season Awards took place live from the glittering bin shed of Cartier Industries in the centre of town!
The red carpet (bit or remnant I fished out of a skip) was buzzing with excitement and anticipation as first Oaf cycled majestically into the venue. The Dingler arrived next dressed in his tuxedo (..well the donkey jacket without the safety orange) and finally Hampton arrived on crutches fresh from the Stepping Hill Trauma Unit (from where he was treated for his failed ‘who can hang out of the bedroom window the longest’ attempt to raise awareness for Cartier Industries)
Sat in the bin shed the host (my good self) began with the first award.
The Season’s Scruffiest get prize.
The two nominees were The Dingler and myself and video was shown of first me celebrating the Paddy Madden goal vs Torquay at Edgeley Park and The Dingler slumped outside Witherspoons having just soiled himself (again!).
Drum roll and before long The Dingler was ‘punching the air’ with delight!
Close for me…but no cigar!
Next up was the coveted ‘Who Travelled the Furthest via Catapult?’ award.
Bit of an shoe-in this one as our only nominee was supported to be launched from the top of The Plaza Steps and into The River Mersey for a sponsored Cartier Industries Splashdown event last summer….in reality he ‘travelled’ a mere three foot (reaching an impressive estimated speed of one hundred and fifty miles per hour) before smashing face first into the third step from the top.
Take a bow Hampton!
With two Golden Pot Noodle Tubs already awarded it was time for a break from all the excitement.
…and I entertained a bemused audience by playing the spoons to the theme tune of Breaking Bad.
It was all too soon time for our next award.
‘The Most Food Stains Down The Front of Shirt’
I gave my best ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ gap before announcing the winner.
And I was correct to do so as a major shock was in the offing!
The Dingler was triumphant again!!!….when the gasps of shock subsided an infuriated Oaf launched his Steak Bake at the winner, of course the Dingler ducked and the gooey mess smacked Hampton square in the face.
….after all, Oaf has won the award since it’s inauguration some ten years ago….but now it was snatched from his grasp by an elated the Dingler.
Oaf sulked all evening but I can only go off the results.
I can only assume he won it due to the sight of him struggling with Kebab outside Mustaph’s last November….(a sight no one wants repeated)….
Oaf complained that he was more consistent with his one-handed Steak Bake on a bike combination….but to no avail.
The result stood!
When everybody eventually calmed down it was time for the big one!
Yes indeed, the lights of the bin shed were dimmed in reverence for the evening’s most sought after award.
The golden pot noodle tub of which the paint was actually dry and the honour of becoming;
‘Cartier Industries Daftest **** 2021/22’
Tensions were high anyway after the Oaf/the Dingler incident but it was going to close this year with The Dingler being arrested for drunkenly falling over some bins at Wrexham BEFORE kick-off thus wasting a much wanted ticket….there was Oaf falling off the WRONG platform complete with bike whilst negotiating how to get home from Aldershot…..and finally Hampton having to be resuscitated by Paramedics after being fished out of The River Goyt after swimming the ‘wrong way’ to Liverpool…..how we chuckled as he was air lifted from the scene.
My hand over the envelope had a a slight quiver as I tore it open….only to find the winner was ME!
Apparently spending £100 on Cartier Industries of Stockport T-shirts and selling precisely 0 made me this year’s ****!
I completely lost control of the audience and was pelted by half-eaten Pot Noodles (and a Steak Bake)…..
So ended the evening’s entertainment and as I locked them in the bin shed and retired to my rooms I pondered the fact that you just can’t get the staff….ungrateful bunch or ****’s!
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