Last night was our Cartier Industries employees of the year awards where the great and the good were rewarded with superb trophies designed, glued and spray painted by myself.
The bin shed looked resplendent decked out in last year’s Christmas tinsel and a stage was crafted with the use of a few brown ale crates with an old bit of carpet chucked over em.
As you can imagine...no expense spared!
The lights went down low and the tension raised up high!...proceedings began.
First award was The Bronze Pot Noodle for the best The Dingler look-alike.
Hampton (for no other reason that I can’t be doing with The Dingler)
Next up was The Silver Pot Noodle for The Best Farmer/Smallholder/ex-Tarmac worker...
...this went to Spangle as I correctly barred The Dingler from this award as I deemed him too ‘overqualified’.
The big moment had arrived!
Who would go home with the coveted Gold Pot Noodler?!
(...when I say ‘go home’ this was obviously a mute point as the ceremony took place in the bin shed)
For outstanding performance of the year in Cartier colours and a commitment to the ethics of the industry The Golden Pot Noodle went to (drum roll please!)...Oaf!..for his amazing ability to devour a Greggs Steak Bake whilst delivering our products on his trusty bike.
WELL DONE SIR!
Of course, not unlike The Brit Awards, controversy wasn’t far away! In scenes reminiscent of the time Cliff Richard put his Karate skills to good use on The Tremaloes in’68 when they blasphemed and used homophobic language towards that year’s victors The Hollies!...The Dingler, fuelled on a hybrid of Clan Dew and Toilet Duck, booted off when the other three waved their awards in his face and chanted “Loser, Looooser”
A fight broke out and I retired to my rooms as the police arrived.
The Dingler was quite rightly arrested and things eventually calmed down in the small hours.
A raging success I believe!
« Back to index | View thread »