After complaining that he couldn’t afford the train fare I arranged for Oaf to give him a lift to Norfolk on his trusty bike...consequently Oaf set off on Sunday morning with a complaining Hampton positioned uncomfortably on the handlebars.
I received a phone call from Oaf in Guide Bridge at 4am informing me that he’d ‘lost’ Hampton after drinking heavily in a park...but had run into County aficionado and 70’s legend ’Dingler’, who was apparently wandering the metropolis of Guide Bridge in a state of alcoholic unsteadiness.
So he had sacked Hampton in his absence and, on my behalf, employed Dingler as replacement.
I shouted that he had absolutely no authoritative powers to ‘hire & fire’ folk and told him to find Hampton immediately (...Hampton of course had the ‘commentary Nokia’!)...I also mentioned that they should be heading in a South-Easterly direction, NOT North-East!
A chastised Oaf told me he’d ring me back later, which he indeed did at 7am...to assure me he was back on track with Hampton back on the handlebars after he found him drunkenly shouting at pigeons in the Town Square...apparently all three of them were now going to head to King’s Lynn.
Relieved, I went back to my breakfast only to choke on my Cheerios when I almost immediately received another phone call, this time from a barely coherent Hampton who informed me they’d suffered a puncture five minutes into their journey!
I KNEW Oaf’s riding iron wouldn’t be able to take the strain of three!
So I informed them that they would have to hitch...and to be honest I didn’t fancy their chances much as one would have to have major psychological problems to allow such obvious reprobates into their vehicle.
....I couldn’t have been more correct!
The next I heard from them was via a call from Hyde police station this morning where I was informed all three had been arrested after drunkenly attempting to break into a local off-licence to apparently steal three bottles of Clan Dew...to help them walk to Norfolk!
The constable asked if I could verify their “frankly ridiculous” story and if so he would let them off with a warning.
Of course I told him that I’d never heard of any of them and replaced my trim-phone receiver with a sigh.
But with the postponement of the match...all’s well that end’s well!😎
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