Boris Johnson can't go out in public because he's getting booed and heckled wherever he shows his face, and his minders are keeping him away from as many interviews and debates as possible because they're all to aware that he's shockingly unprepared, utterly ignorant of stuff like facts and details, liable to make up absolute nonsense on the spot, or to just start spouting blatant lies.
Tory Chairman James Cleverly is so cowardly and irredeemably thick that he'd rather sit cowering in a different room, than face Kay Burley's questions.
Michael Gove only serves to rile the public with his obnoxious, coked-up, plastic-faced, infinitely disingenuous, far-right goit act.
Sajid Javid, the reckless junk bond trader that Johnson has somehow decided to put in charge of the entire UK economy, hasn't been seen for weeks. Perhaps he's too busy drawing up plans to deport his own father to please the extreme-right to bother contributing to the general election campaign?
The haunted pencil figure of Jacob Rees-Mogg, like Lord Snooty but with the sinister whiff of fascism about him, is unlikely to be allowed in any more studios this election after insinuating that the Grenfell fire victims deserved to die because they were too thick to disobey fire service instructions and run into dark, smoke filled corridors.
Liz Truss is perpetually on the verge of another weirdly unhinged rant about imported cheese, or using barking dogs to scare away drones. Anyone with any sense would keep her away from the public eye for the duration of the election.
Priti Patel with her perpetual smirk, her open contempt for ordinary working Brits, and her desperate pining to be allowed to execute of innocent people to 'send a message' about how tough she is.
Alun Cairns, who was told that his former adviser deliberately sabotaged a rape trial, concealed the information from the party, and then lied that nobody in the Tory ranks knew about the rape trial sabotage when his former adviser was picked as an election candidate.
And then those absolute chancers who have been promoted exponentially above their abilities like Dominic Raab ('where's Dover?') and Gavin Williamson ('Russia should just shut up and go away!').
Rory Stewart was one of the very few sympathetic and relatable figures in the Tory ranks (to 'centrist dad' types at least), but he's been driven out of the party altogether because he wouldn't do as he was told, and Johnson simply can't bear to have anyone in the party who clearly has infinitely more eloquence and charisma than he does.
Amber Rudd was Theresa May's reliable and ever-willing dogsbody, always prepared to step up when things got difficult, or take the fall for May's racist Windrush scandal, but she's quitting, standing down from parliament in disgust at how awful the Tory party has become.
Philip Hammond is quitting too. Ken Clarke says he'll be voting against the Tories. Oliver Letwin (probably the most intelligent MP in the Tory ranks) is out. Even Boris Johnson's brother Jo has had enough of the lying, and cheating, and pandering to the extreme-right ultranationalist demographic.
There's basically nobody left in the Tory ranks with any talent whatever, and they've resorted to hiding from scrutiny for fear of being exposed as the grotesquely incompetent charlatans they are ...
But they're still not dead as a political party purely because a significant demographic of mainly-English, mainly well-off, mainly middle aged or older, utterly selfish "I'm Alright Jack" swine who just love to bow, and scrape, and grovel before their Tory lords and masters, no matter how malicious, incompetent, cowardly, and blatantly unfit for office they are.
It's an absolute tragedy because Britain deserves so much better than this.
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