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Re: Happy Hanukkah and Caro - Elle
Picking up where we left off would never have happened with Robert and myself. He was a much different adult than he was a teenager. The generosity thoughtfulness and kindness was still there but he wasn't the same person somehow. There was also a harshness, a bitterness I had never seen in him before. He had become a racist and bigot in the lost years when I moved to TN and he moved to FL. The person he became was not someone I would want to date or live with. He was a gambler which to me is as bad as a alcoholic. That's how he made is living as an adult in NYC. It's an addiction that can keep people in poverty. After he moved to FL he gave that up for a regular job at a place that made those huge costly yachts the wealthy are seen in all over the coasts. He never explained why he decided on a regular job. I know he was into some shady stuff in NYC and didn't ask questions. I would never have stayed with a gambler. That alone would have driven me off. When I spent those 9 days down there with him I felt about him like I do a few of my male cousins. It was a different kind of, should I use the word "love?" That really isn't the word I'm looking for. I felt like I was with one of my male cousins, not a past BF. There were no romantic feelings involved. I felt very comfortable with him none the less and of course I spent some time with his mother. Marie and I went to a large mall one day and spent almost the entire day shopping. The place was fantastic with indoor palm trees and other tropical foliage. Then we went for dinner at a small Italian restaurant there in Bradenton. Rob has gone to the dog races with a friend that day. That didn't appeal to me. The mall did.
Another day I spent with her we just took a walk in the neighborhood - local sightseeing. She died a few years later. After I returned we kept in touch and always sent each other birthday and xmas cards. That one winter when RR and I was down here snow birding we drove down to take him to dinner. I had a feeling it was the last time I would ever see him. It was like a premonition. Somehow the spark of "life" was gone. He exuded a quiet sadness. He didn't look good. He was in a wheelchair due to the loss of his leg. He was also on SSD. The wait to get it was over 2 years and by then all his savings were gone. Everything of value sold. His mother and one of the local churches had been paying his bills the last 6 months before he started getting cheques. That seemed to shame him for some reason.
Though the dinner was excellent, there was a subdued air about us all as we had dessert, as if we all knew this was the final ending... and it was. When we dropped him off at his apt I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek, looked in his eyes and knew in my heart I would never see him again.
Wherever you are Robert, I hope you find the peace that seemed to elude you in life.
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