I taught in an Urban setting for 8 years - 5 years in a true inner-city gig at one of the lowest SES schools in the district. I just finally moved-on this year.
"I mean"'s response was not helpful and clearly they have no clue what it is like to teach inner city.
A lot of this comes from home and has nothing to do with you. Yes, you absolutely have to be strict and have a system for everything. Kids like this crave/need structure.
The reality is that some will never get it. Put your focus on those who do already get it. Some others will come around as a result.
A culture can be built and program culture is what is going to help alleviate your issues. I started out in a MS program that was a consistent 3/4/5 division program and had 12 kids in the top band and 8 in the second band. The top band kids kinda knew their first 6 notes. Everything was in shambles and the kids were all over the place.
It starts with small successes. I'd take my band to Sandy Lake (RIP) and make a huge freaking deal about that trophy. Get the best kids you can (not only playing ability but even more importantly in behavior) in your top band and make it a no BS zone as much as possible. After my first year I had enough kids to get an assistant and had started developing a culture. By the end of my second year we had the school's ever sweepstakes in school history and 400 kids in band. \
What also helped was 'carrots' such as trips and membership in the top band. (Bad behavior = no trip for you or no top band for you (which took more trips than the other bands)) Again, we made a big deal about successes - no matter how small. We always remained enthusiastic about the music and always made it about music / the band.
As a result your program will start attracting the right kind of kids. I built a relationship with the elementary feeder teachers and our counselors so that we knew who to not allow into band and who to recruit as well as who we needed to get out of band.
Band became the reason many kids came to school. There'd be so many times I'd hear "Mister I wasn't going to come to school today but I really didn't want to miss band so I decided to come"
I could go on, but there is hope! Those kids need you!
How do you deal with students who just don't "get it"? Simple things like be quiet or get to class on time. Showing up.
I feel sad for these kids, their lives are not headed in the right direction.