Posted by Chad
on 2/17/2009, 10:32 am
208.44.231.130
Let the racin' beginBy Dorothy Nobis For The Daily Times
Posted: 02/14/2009 12:00:00 AM MST
OK, I'm ready.
I've stocked the wine crawl space with lotsa vintage white zin and I've stocked the fridge with Amp, for when I have Ampzins, the newest adult beverage craze to hit NASCAR. OK, maybe not all of NASCAR, but when people start having Amp chasers with their vintage white zin and figure out how really good it is, in addition to increasing their energy level, it'll catch on. For reals. And remember you read about it here first.
I've got chips and salsa at the ready and little "pigs in a blanket," a new delicacy friends introduced me to. They really don't look like pigs and it doesn't really look like a blanket, but those itty bitty sausages wrapped in a Pillsbury crescent roll are pretty tasty, let me tellya. Dip em in a little spicy mustard and you have the perfect dish for your Ampzin. I'm becoming pretty gourmet at this point in my life and it's a good feeling, ya know? In addition to pigs in a blanket, another friend had me try a steak that wasn't chicken fried and it was pretty good. When I asked for ketchup for my "filet," (why they don't call it a child's portion of a big steak is beyond me, but whatever), my friend told the wait person I was just kidding — cept I wasn't. But real gourmets, my friend was quick to tell me in what I thought was a tad louder voice than was necessary, don't put ketchup on their filets or their rib eyes or their sirloins or their t-bones. I don't own any "rib eyes," and the only sir loin I know of my mother told me
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I couldn't ever, ever look at again, and I was t-boned once, which made a huge dent in my truck, but I wouldn't put ketchup on any of those anyway. Just the filet. So it would taste better.
Anyway, with my pigs in a blanket, my chips and salsa and my chocolate covered pretzels, I'm pretty good to go for the Daytona 500. The gazillion weeks of "pre-race" stuff has gotten a little old, so I'm ready for the real race to begin. The prelude to the Super Bowl of NASCAR (and the world, for us rednecks) has been interesting, though. Mark Martin is now driving the Kelloggs car, which is the best thing since that ever-so-cute Terry Labonte drove it. Mark-y Mart-y is a dude, let me tell ya. He works out, like, all the time and I'd put his abs up against Carl Edwards abs anytime, cept there are people out there (most of em guys) who don't really like seeing one guy ab-bing off with another guy. Whatever. Anyway, I'm glad Mark is getting another chance to race for a great team (Hendrick for you uninformed), and has put off his retirement threats for yet another year. Mark has pretty much made a second career out of retirement, although that guy who used to play some kinda ball with the Green Bay Packers and, of late, with the New York Jets, is workin' on tie'n Martin's retirement efforts, and I'm just pretty happy to see him in that 5 car, even though it's a little hard to see him over the steering wheel.
And all the buzz about Tony Stewart making a splash as a new team owner/driver — did anyone really think Tony the Tiger would sink in his new position as King of Stewart-Haas Racing? I mean, the guy has more determination than the Little Engine That Could, and the word "fail" isn't in his vocabulary or his dictionary. I'm pretty excited for Tony. I like Tony. Tony would like me. Tony would love me, except my friend Charlene would use a wrench to my head if she knew that. I'm really happy for Tony, cept for the thousands of dollars I spent on orange and white, 20, Home Depot stuff with his name on it. Gonna have to redecorate half of my NASCAR shrine room. Maybe the government will give me bail-out money for it. Never hurts to ask.
Everybody's watchin' "Sliced Bread" Logano, who, at age 18, is almost three times younger than Mark Martin, to see if he can live up to the hype that's been dumped on him since he arrived on the NASCAR scene a coupla years ago. There's the media-inflicted competition between Sliced Bread and Mr. Speed-o. Scott Speed, as to who will be the Rookie of the Year. And there's the drama about Carl Edwards and if he'll be the gymnast to beat this year and if he'll still be able to do backflips now that he's a married man. (I'm not sure what being married has to do with it, but it's been my experience that if he botches a flip, the wife will be blamed. It's in the fine print of every marriage license I've ever had, even though I didn't notice the darned fine print until it was too late. Whatever.)
Will Dale Earnhardt Jr. win races and compete for the championship? (Well, duh — he IS Dale Earnhardt Jr., the sport's most popular driver and "The Man" for all of Earnhardt Nation. Get real.) Will Jeff Gordon win one race this season after not winning one last season? Will Chip Ganassi be driven to the looney bin after hooking up with witchy ole Teresa Earnhardt? Will Jeff Burton win in the Caterpillar car, which was once driven by his brother, Ward Burton, who will always be known to his fans as "Ward Burton?" Will Dick Trickle leave the farm and make a comeback, as is rumored? (OK, maybe not rumored everywhere, but certainly in my circle of three friends.)
But the big buzz in the garage area this preseason? The one item you'll find on almost every Web site you enter? Jimmie Johnson's beard. So he has a beard. So it's a closely clipped beard. So it makes him a little hotter. So he looks really, really good in facial hair. So he will never have a bad-boy beard like Tony Stewart. So he looks really hot in his beard. So what? Scuse me, I need a shower.
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