[ Post a Response | Vipers Vietnam Veteran Message Board ]
Posted by Joe on 5/14/2006, 5:57 pm TO MY DAD:
68.252.172.116
I found this at a memorial site for her Dad , who died on this day years ago in Vietnam.-----------
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I'LL NEVER KNOW. THINGS THAT CAN'T BE TOLD, LIKE THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE, YOUR SECRET HOPES AND DREAMS, THE LOOK IN YOUR EYES WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY, OR SAD, OR EVEN ANGRY. I WILL NEVER KNOW YOU. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME HOME TWO WEEKS EARLIER, TO SEE ME. I WAS ONLY 7 MONTHS OLD, AND I NEEDED YOU. BUT YOU NEVER CAME. WHY? WHY DIDN'T YOU COME HOME WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO? DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFERENT MY LIFE WOULD'VE BEEN? EVEN JUST TO HAVE YOU HOLD ME ONCE WHEN I WAS A BABY, TO HEAR YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVED ME, EVEN IF I WAS TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND? DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERY DAY I THINK OF YOU, AND THAT I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER A DAY THAT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GONE? DO YOU KNOW HOW ANGRY I AM THAT YOU LEFT ME, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT? DO YOU KNOW THE CONFUSION AND GUILT I CARRIED WITH ME THROUGHOUT MY LIFE? I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS MY FAULT, THAT I WAS BAD, AND THAT'S WHY YOU LEFT ME. I WAS SO YOUNG, AND I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. I STILL DON'T. NONE OF US DO.
DO YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE AN EMPTINESS INSIDE OF ME THAT WILL NEVER BE FILLED? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO TELL YOU THESE THINGS? TO ACTUALLY TRY AND WRITE SOME OF THESE FEELINGS THAT I'VE HID FROM THE WORLD, AND KEPT LOCKED INSIDE OF ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THAT IS? TO KNOW THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEED YOU THE MOST. WHEN I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL, AND WENT OFF TO COLLEGE. YOU WILL NEVER GIVE ME AWAY WHEN I GET MARRIED. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, AND THEY WILL NEVER KNOW YOU. DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERY MAN I MEET, I COMPARE TO YOU. I HAVE SUCH HIGH STANDARDS AND EXPECTATIONS, THAT NO ONE CAN COMPARE OR LIVE-UP TO. AND I KNOW IT'S NOT FAIR, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. DO YOU KNOW THAT I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN, AND LIVE HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER? BUT THAT THE FEAR OF LOSING SOMEONE THAT I LOVE SO MUCH TERRIFIES ME TO DEATH, AND KEEPS ME FROM THE HAPPINESS THAT I WISH FOR.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'RE MISSED? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? DO YOU KNOW THAT THE ONLY COMFORT I HAVE IN DEATH IS THE FAITH AND HOPE THAT YOU WILL BE THERE, WAITING FOR ME. AND THAT YOU WILL HOLD ME AND TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME, AND THAT YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN. UNTIL THEN... I HAVE TO LET YOU GO, SO THAT I CAN TRY TO LIVE MY LIFE HERE AND NOW. WITH NO MORE GUILT FROM THE PAST, AND HOPEFULLY A HAPPIER TOMORROW. WITH MUCH LOVE,
YOUR DAUGHTER
JENNIFER
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