The Doctorís Lament
The portions of a woman that appeal to Manís depravity
Are fashioned with considerable care;
And what at first appears to be a common little cavity
Is really an elaborate affair.
Now, doctors of distinction have examined these phenomenaThereís the vulva, the vagina, and the good old perineum
In numerous experimental dames,
And given to these ornaments of feminine abdomena,
A number of delightful Latin names.
And the hymen, in the case of certain brides.
And thereís lots of other gadgets, youíd just love if you could see íem,
The clitoris and, Christ knows, what besides.
Now, isnít it a pity that when common people chatterThe Laymanís Reply
Of the mysteries to which I have referred,
They give to this so vital and so elegant a matter,
Such a very short and unattractive word.
Now, the erudite authorities who study the geography
Of that obscure, but entertaining, land,
Are able to indulge a case for intricate topography,
And view those tasty details close at hand.
But ordinary people, though aware of their existence,When, therefore, all us laymen probe the secrets of virginity,
And complexities beyond the public know,
Are normally contented just to view them from a distance,
And to treat them, roughly speaking, as a show.
The language that we use is somewhat blunt,
And we donít becloud the issue with meticulous Latinity,
But call the whole concern a simple four-letter word.
For men have made this useful and intelligent commodityThe Womanís Retort
The topic of a bawdy joke and jibe.
Yet, though the name they call it is somewhat of an oddity,
It seems to fit the subject they describe.
You erudite philosophers are really rather comical
Despite your pseudo-scientific facts,
For all your heated arguments on matters anatomical
Have very little bearing on your acts.
You may agree to differ and make learned dissertationsMoreover, when you analyze, in phrases too meticulous
On the relative importance of a name,
But we women find that when it comes to intimate relations,
Your reactions are essentially the same.
Our relatively simple little vent,
You overlook the verbiage, so rude and so ridiculous,
Which designates the gadgets of a gent.
But then perhaps itís ícause you find the emblems of virility
So very, very difficult to hide,
That your jealousy induces you to scoff at our ability
To tuck away our privacies inside.
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The Doctorís Lament