Posted by Sybil on April 29, 2008, 10:55 pm
81.149.90.17
This is the body of the text of a message I have posted tonight on the website of the Stroke Association (www.strokeassociation.org.uk)
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Selfishly I am posting this topic where I think it will get most 'hits'.
I lost my partner (of twenty five years) to a stroke recently. He was a young(ish) stroke victim. Suffered his first stroke just after our second child was born and then the 'killer' blow a few years later in January of this year. I find myself so confused by what has happened. I have left my 'profile' public as much of the background story is contained there.
Anyway, organising the funeral and generally being busy in the immediate aftermath of his death was so much easier than the time for reflection I am left with. I have hesitated to post, or indeed read this website, for weeks.
Where do I start ? There is no logical beginning. Stroke is illogical. It doesn't cause (immediate) pain like a gunshot wound or a heart attack. It's a creeping and indsidious disease. It takes over your (the victims) life and slowly insinuates itself into your being. Not just physical, but mental. And the lives of your family and friends. It's horrendous.
I have been blessed with an incredible circle of family and friends who have rallied to support me/us. Has it helped? Yes. Have I got over it? No. In fact I'm getting worse not better.
I want to stand on the rooftops and shout. I want to make my voice heard - to avoid others going through what I am.
So, why am I posting ? Because I feel that I must write about what has happened. I know I must raise awareness of stroke. I want to speak to stroke victims, to their families, to the professionals. I want to open Britain's eyes to what stroke is. A killer.
Sure, I can write with emotion and experience. But that's not enough. It needs to be factual and evocative and articulate and accurate. I want to wake the country up. Second best is not good enough.
If you've been through anything similar of late you will (hopefullly) understand the conflicting emotions that drive me.
Please email if there is anything at all that you can contribute.
Thanks
Sybil
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So, you will understand for this posting that I am still tormented by what happened to Chris. I don't want to 'write the book' - that was Chris' story and his perogative and domain. I don't own the rights to that story. No one, except Chris, does. If he never chose to write it - well hey who am I to argue. If others write the book - so be it. It was Chris' life. He could have chosen to tell it all. But he didn't.
I so want to raise stroke awareness. People are being amazing in their support : I've received an email today from the MLPA (Milbourne Lodge Parents Association) stating they would like to donate to whichever charity I have chosen for Chris. This is onerous.
He meant so much to me: and I so want to keep his memory alive. I want everyone to know how brave and steadfast he was to the end: that deserves my - and your - ultimate respect.
I so want to do what's right : but lack the clarity of vision. In death Chris remains with me just as clearly as he did in life.
Sybil
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