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Late Bloomer Smokers
Posted by crolma on 10/28/2009, 10:14:15, in reply to "Honestly trying to understand...."
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You don't have to accept her addiction, but you shouldn't nag about it. Nagging will feel like a personal attack, regardless of any disclaimers, and she'll defend smoking as part of her self. If she wants to quit, that's best left as a private struggle between her and the cigarettes.
You may feel that by saying nothing you are accepting it, but you've already said a lot and your misgivings are surely remembered. There's nothing to gain in belaboring the point. She knows you are worried.
The spouse tries to have a say, but it runs into the problems just noted. Smoking is a personal thing. Mutual respect is the only way to go with personal things.
People smoke because it feels good. At least in the beginning. They try to quit (or at least cut down) when it stops feeling good. She'll probably reach this point in a year or two. Then she'd be open to e-cigarettes and quitting. In the meantime, she's going thru a lot of stress and smoking probably helps. It would also help not to lose friends.
The cancer victims typically have at least 10 pack-years behind them, so the danger is remote for now. She'll probably have her life together again before getting close to that point.
So my advice is to apologize for any apparent personal attacks and be patient. Offer not to raise the subject again any time soon, and tell her you're there for her.
The exaggerated enthusiasm you see on boards like this is probably the product of adolescent rebellion and a need for validation in the face of that widespread zealotry from the antis. I say "adolescent rebellion" -- even in the context of "late bloomers" -- because nobody ever grows up completely, across the board. Life comes at us too quickly. The psychology of starting smoking is the same at any age, it's just more accessible to teens.
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