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Late Bloomer Smokers
Posted by Brian on 6/5/2009, 4:34:03, in reply to "Re: Hubby not happy"
76.120.121.73
Joanne gave some really great advice and I agree, he has every right to be upset. Let me give you a different perspective out of my own experience.
I am a recovered alcoholic and have been sober for 10 years. When I married my wife, she was not a drinker...she did not drink at all. About two years ago she had a girls weekend out and decided to start drinking. I was very upset. We had a long talk about it and she said she wanted to keep drinking. Well, this shattered my ideal of what we would be like as a couple. I did not want to marry someone who drank alcohol. I am the one that had to change.
It's important for each person in a relationship to grow and change. NONE of us stays the same. I had to get to a point where I was willing to let her learn for herself. My wife is no where near being alcoholic and she has never given me a reason to think she is. For those of you that want to comment on this I need to disclose this one thing; She is bi-polar and on medication. Alcohol and her mental state do not mix. I, as her husband can express my views, fears and likes/dislikes, but in the end, she had to find her own way. My job as her husband is to be there for her no matter what. I do not like the fact she does this, but we keep alcohol in the house, She drinks when we are at dinner and honestly, It does not bother me.
Your husband does not have to like it, but he needs to let you find your own path. This notion of marriage being 50/50 is a bog lie. Marriage is 100% period. This means I give everything I have, no matter how much my wife gives. I made promises to her and those are the ones I need to be worried about fulfilling. You are a smoker. He can not change you, nor should he try. Please try and understand his contention over your smoking and keep communicating. You both have a wonderful chance to grow and change as a couple which, in the end, will make you stronger.
--Previous Message--
: Hi there,
:
: I empathise with your
: situation, as what you
: describe, that was me
: just over 4 years ago.
: Now... you've probably
: been married a hell of a
: lot longer than I have
: but let me give you a
: few home truths about
: things.
:
: First up, your husband
: has every right to be
: upset. Now its ok for
: people to say to you, if
: he loves you he'll
: accept it. Ask yourself
: this, why should he?
: When he married you, he
: married somebody who
: didn't smoke. You have
: made a change to your
: lifestyle, which is
: bigger than deciding on
: what new way to wear you
: hair, sorry, but there
: it is.
:
: Now I am sure your
: husband loves you and
: so, chances are he won't
: chuck away the marriage
: over it, so don't worry
: on that score if I were
: you.
:
: Another thing you have
: to consider is, while
: you may not do it around
: him, or in front of him,
: you are still doing
: something he doesn't
: like you doing.
: Personally, I'd be more
: worried if he didn't
: care you had taken up
: cigs! That would be MUCH
: worse.
:
: Again, you should put
: yourself in his shoes.
: Imagine he started
: something you hated, and
: it was bad for him, and
: you pleaded with him to
: stop, and he basically
: told you no, it was his
: choice, and you either
: accept it or don't. how
: would that make you
: feel?
:
: In a way I feel like I
: am giving marriage
: advice, and... I'm not
: sure that is my place.
:
: But putting things in
: their base simplicity.
:
: You want something for
: you, he does not want
: for you.
:
: I suggest a compromise,
: a solution that suits
: you both. He doesn't
: want you to smoke, but
: you do want to smoke.
: So, pack in the smoking,
: and wait a while, and
: then train yourself
: mentally and physically
: hone your discipline and
: only smoke on happy
: special occasions. Which
: is what I do. This way,
: he wins, and so do you.
: It won't be easy... but
: theres the trick,
: marriage never is.
:
: That should suffice, it
: worked for me, obviously
: you'll need ground
: rules, you can't just
: invent excuses to smoke.
:
: I suggest you
: compromise, if
: compromise is not
: possible, then...
: really, you have to go
: back to square 1, and
: that is a conundrum, he
: loves you, but hates the
: idea of you smoking. Its
: difficult there is no
: quick fix answer here...
: it comes down to it, if
: push comes to shove, are
: you prepared to
: sacrifice for the
: greater good of the
: marriage? What has he
: sacrificed or given
: towards the marriage to
: make it successful.
:
: Give and take. That's
: all I can offer you
: Gina. The rest is up to
: you and him.
:
:
:
:
:
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