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Please try to hang it there with the expander. My Drs. didn't even really discuss not having the expander and plastic surgery done, just took it for granted I would want to. Now I have had a little over half of the injections to expand the tissue and am finally seeing that things might really be ok before too long.
My surgery was on Sept.13th. The reconstruction has to wait till a couple of months after chemo ends, which will probably put it sometime in May. But the point of telling you all this is that there really is some light at the end of the dark tunnel you are in right now.
My Mother, well meaning and trying to help, keeps telling me how fortunate I should feel that when this happened to me, chemo has been around for a while, the science is so much better on all this, and plastic surgery is so available. All true facts, BUT:
You have to feel just how you feel. You need to go through what is real to you, your feelings are very important. We are going through some horrible stuff here, and it can be so depressing.
My expander today feels like a big boulder pressing down hard on my chest - after just getting a fill today. But, when it's finally time for the reconst., it Will feel so much better and more real with the implant. Now,I have a fiberfill pillow I insert in my bra mostly under the expander to have a more natural look. Not perfect, but totally will do for now.
I haven't been taking anti depressants, so can't really be any help on that front. But, I had to write and tell you I am with you in all this. Please write and let us know what you decide and how things go. Take Care, Hugs, Nancy