YES!
IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!!
The Cartier Industries staff are sat in the bin shed making paper chains eager to festoon the premises with (what they consider) Christmas wonderment.
It’s just a load of old tat to be honest but it keeps em quiet for a bit.
Both Hampton and The Dingler are covered in glue and paper whilst giggling uncontrollably while Oaf is somewhat predictably missing, presumed out on his riding iron stalking a Greggs somewhere.
I attempted to get Hampton mobile to keep an eye on Oaf as I found an old Raleigh Chipper (kids version of a Chopper) in a skip and had The Dingler do it up. Problem was Hampton’s balance is rubbish and he kept sustaining cuts and bruises from repeatedly falling off….the useless little div!
I fashioned a pair of stabilisers from a broom handle and some old bike wheels but it was all to no avail as on a test run when I booted him down Rostron Brow, he went arse over head as his flares became caught up in the stabilisation unit/chain. At the time he had reached a good 30 mph as I’d earlier disconnected the brakes without mentioning it to him. Still, he’s happy now sat in the shed covered in the detritus of his failed decoration making.
In more news the bin shed has been partially taken over for storage by the very excellent ‘Bohemian bar’ next door. They store stuff like lemons and limes for the drinks in there, this all means that from time to time the bar staff have to replenish their stock so Hampton and The Dingler are on strict orders to keep their hands to themselves and stay silent until these brief visits are over. They both know that if I was to receive ANY complaints, it would leave them bereft of Christmas Pot Noodlige.
…and I’m not having any drunken Carol singing emanating from the bin shed this year….the amount of times I was disturbed from my afternoon Netflix & Jack Daniels relaxations last year became scandalous!…having to traipse up and down the steps from my rooms with buckets of water became an absolute chore.
This year I’ve told em it WON’T be water because I’ve been saving up a vat of ‘special liquid’ in case they nip to Spoons to gather up dregs again.
Christmas Day is of course different…I let them sit on the lower stairs to eat their Pot Noodles and they are grateful from the warmth generated from my rooms….although I’ll take the last quarter’s electric bill from their wages to make up for any Yuletide inconvenience I’ll no doubt have to suffer.
I’ve currently got my team on leafleting at the moment as a stop-gap before my new ‘Cartier Industries Senior Citizen Space Hopper School’ can re-begin on Portwood Roundabout.
We’re under investigation at the moment due to a couple of students bounding onto the motorway thanks to Hampton inadvertently leading in the wrong direction after attempting to open a Twix and steer the Hopper at the same time!
What with 87 year old Alf going rouge and accidentally careering through the chippy window in Brinny, the authorities have shut us down until they can complete their investigations. Let’s hope Alf is off the life support machine soon.
Anyway…I digress.
Myself and the staff here at Cartier Industries would like to wish everyone a moderately happy Christmas.
STILL have ‘(Orson) Cartier Industries (Stockport)’ T-shirts left.
5 sizes…£10 adults…£5 kids.
Can’t be arsed posting/delivering so pm me & I’ll meet you in a pub if possible!
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