“CHRISTMAS IS coming the goose is getting fat, time for silly Magic to don a Santa’s hat...” I know a lot of us moan about the commercial hijacking of this season but I can’t help thinking that the best bit about Christmas is the reaction of the children. After all it’s really all for them... innit? All that preparing for Nativity plays; dressing up, learning lines, singing carols and, of course, the mince pies afterwards.
A few (perhaps that should be many) years back I was helping in my daughter’s class as we made Christmas crackers. Hint: a good supply of toilet roll middles required. Anyway, as we filled them with tat from CostCutters and prepared to wrap around the crepe (hope I spelt that right) paper covers the teacher said, “Oh, hold on a sec... we’ve got to put the jokes inside.” The teacher wrote some example ‘jokes’ on the board and then asked the kids for their own ideas. It’s really funny what makes them laugh.
Anyway, all that reminded me that last year I asked my mates, still have a few for some cracker jokes of their own. Well, they’ve been lying dormant in a dusty hard drive for the past year but it’s time now to shake them out. So, if you and your children, or grandchildren, are making homemade Christmas crackers here are a few, erm, jokes you might feel inclined to use.
What do you call a blind reindeer? No eye deer.
What do you call a man with brown paper trousers? Russell.
What’s furry and minty? A polo bear.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a snowman? Frostbite.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam.
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost.
Q: Why did the baker’s hands smell? A: Because he kneaded a poo
Q. What sort of pizza does King Wenceslas like? A. Deep pan, crisp and even
What do Santa’s elves use when they're sick? The National Elf Service
New government regulations say that Santa’s helpers must wear a seatbelt when they’re on the sleigh. “Flippin’ ’eck, it’s elfin safety gone mad.”
Why did Santa call the Mind helpline? He was worried about his mental elf.
Got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas; Not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.
What did Snow White call the dwarf who voted Liberal Democrat? Dopey
Two parrots on a perch. One turns to the other and says, “can you smell fish?”
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Coz the Parrots-eat-em-all
Man walks up to a barman and says “I just tried to buy cigarettes from your vending machine and it just swore at me.” Barman replies, “Sorry sir, it's out of order.”
Okay, okay enough already... But just before I go; how about this post-watershed, slightly risqué Xmas cracker joke .
Patient: Doctor, doctor, my bum is broken! Doctor: How do you know? Patient: It has a crack in it.
Magic in his own winter wonderland see you at the meet and santa has lots of pressis for the raffle.
Toodle pip Magic
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