WELL, HERE we are near the end of September already; I just can’t believe it. The kids are back in school and the colleges and universities are gearing up for the new academic year. In the centre of town this week all the local colleges are busy trying to get ‘bums on seats’ - yup, it’s the hard sell time for further and higher education establishments. As the nights close in perhaps enrolling on a course is not a bad idea - after all we all need to keep that grey matter on the move.
Perusing some pamphlet that promised greater knowledge, my mate Russ ( an old school mate I meet with) had a sudden thought when I met him this week: “You know what Magic, I just might go on this creative writing course.” He had the look of someone with a faraway daydream... Perhaps he was thinking of being the next JK Rowling (more like JR Hartley!) “With your name,” I gently mock, “you’re already half way there!” And it’s true; does not Russell Clinton Hemming sound like some Bloomsbury cohort? “Let’s put it to the test,” I s######, pulling the poor bloke into Ilkeston town library.
The young girl behind the desk looks up expectantly. “Have you a copy of Drayton Manor, by Russell Clinton Hemming?” I earnestly enquire. “Hmm,” she says sucking her Biro, “the name’s familiar...” Click, click; click-click-click... “This is really strange,” the poor girl says, “because I’m sure I know that name but nothing’s coming up.” We tell her not to worry and we’ll try to gather some more information on this elusive author. But I can see restlessness in her eyes and I feel maybe for her a life-long quest might be starting. Who knows, in some deep dark governmental department a centralised-library-computer may now be ceaselessly winking its evil red light as the search for Russell Clinton Hemming takes on ominous overtones.
Meanwhile and feeling a tad guilty we shuffle out the library and head off for an OAP fish and chips half way down Bath Street, only £2 for fish ,chips and peas freshly made. “Maybe in years to come,” says Russ, “the conspiracy theory nutters will be talking about the deliberately deleted works of Russell Clinton Hemming.” I ask him if it would be better to shorten his pen name to R C Hemming but as he accurately points out, “that sounds like ‘arsey’” and would never do (although, I must point out, at times - like when he doesn’t get what he wants - he can be very RC!).
“Anyway,” I lecture, “don’t bother with that creative writing course. If you want to creatively write just go and do it. You don’t need some pillock on twenty-five quid an hour pulling your masterpiece to pieces.” And I should know folks, I went on such a course - and lasted just twenty minutes. The thing to do if you want to be wordily-creative is go on an English course. Learn about syntax, semantics and grammar: the nuts and bolts of the language - and then grab yer pen and go and have fun with it even if you do make mistakes. You do not need some snotty oik telling you that which will come naturally - please believe me on this one. Play with words - have fun with them , you may screw up a few times but what the hell. Words respond. They like tumbling about, they like the sounds they make, the tunes they dance to and the meaning they construct.” Nuff said.
It's count down time to the Xmas meet and you will all enjoy yourselves so put you name down for the dinner which will be better than last year.
Toodle pip, Magic some where in Britain, signing up for the not-so-creative film writers’ course...
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