Posted by marko on 1/24/2007, 7:47 am there’s no reason to be sniffing around here. i’ll tell you scene 182 i’m either going in circles or this is a documentary i scene 183 it’s already been shaken well. at this point all you’d scene 184 there’s something missing. possibly a small piece. scene 185 i have no idea where it came from. i mean it. it seemed
65.167.39.169
scene 181
what you smell—synapses shorting out. a billion snakes
snapping at thin air. connections aren’t being made. biology
can only be pushed so far before it rebels. i’m not stupid.
i saw it coming. but i couldn’t stop it. it has a mind of it’s
own. a mind within a mind within a mind. i’m not even
going to blame myself this time. it was inevitable—though
i’ve never believed in fate. but this was simply getting
from here to there. & on & on & on. there was no other
way around it. i don’t believe in predestination either. i
like the idea of not being recognized. none of this gave me
the freedom i thought it might. time is running out. leave
me somewhere else. it doesn’t matter where. ring the doorbell.
get in the car & drive.
accidentally fell into. i recognize everything but the names.
they keep changing. so it doesn’t matter. on the other hand
the scenery, the faces, the reactions to my appearance here
never change. somehow they know exactly what i’ll say
before i say it, exactly what i’ll do before it’s done.
maybe they move faster than me. a far-fetched idea i
stole from an old episode of the outer limits. maybe
they read my mind, in which case they now know i’m
on to them. maybe i told them all these things & i’ve
forgotten. this would seem to be the best bet. if i’m going
in circles, does this mean the world can’t revolve around
me also? if i’m being filmed, am i the subject or the object.
does this have anything to do with why i feel so isolated.
if i’m surrounded why do i feel completely alone?
possibly do would setting it back to where it began.
we don’t want that that, do we? there’s nothing more
to be understood. the dice are loaded. the deck is stacked.
the stars are glued down tight. yet the numbers never
come up the same. it doesn’t matter how we throw it
down. how we deal it. how we hard we pry. there’s no
way to change things. we need to accept this, & move
on. we’re just making it more difficult to cheat. it’s
snowing harder. tears are frozen in place. we have to
keep driving now or risk getting stuck. i can only see
a few yards ahead of me. it could develop into a complete
whiteout. then we’d be indistinguishable from the rest.
we’re white as ghosts already.
possibly a huge chunk. it’s difficult to gauge without
realizing the entire magnitude. but it’s too large for that.
any answer is suspect. if there is an answer at all. how
does one even phrase a question to infinity. but i do
feel there’s nothing where something used to be. it
may have disappeared. it may have relocated. it may
be too far to say. it may be too close to tell. i don’t
suppose it matters if you believe me or not. but it
might. i don’t go around checking up on these things.
the emptiness presents itself to me. sometimes it’s
playful. other times it’s dead serious. sometimes i
feel like a prophet. other times i feel like i’m being
yanked around.
to come out of nowhere. i didn’t realize it was here at
first. if you’re not expecting it, it’s easy to overlook. i
thought of bottle rockets, but i can imagine a bouquet of
flowers. i thought i saw a willow tree, but it may have
been the world turned upside down. it was initially
shocking to say the least. i don’t know what i saw prior
to that. i can’t remember what i was thinking. none of
this has been revealed. it may soon. it may never be. i
don’t know how to handle this. i’m not going to get rid
of it until i know for sure. mysteries don’t peek through
the numbness often. & what if it’s one better. what if it’s
a miracle. i’d never forgive myself for denying it. i thought
of mass destruction, but i can see an exploding phallus.
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