Posted by marko on 1/21/2007, 9:07 am there were extenuating circumstances. but i know that the death certificate explains next to nothing. the names mankind’s capacity for self-deception seems endless. a what can i do? i hate to see you like this. i can’t help if scene 171 i was defending myself .what was i supposed to do—stand scene 172 it’s going to storm any minute. look how dark the sky has
65.167.39.229
scene 167
means nothing to you. i realize it won’t change your
mind, how you feel. but i have to lay it out regardless.
i know you’ll stop me before i can fully elaborate. either
that or you’ll be long gone. any explanation will immediately
be tossed, further away than i’ll ever get. i’m aware of the
futility of my actions. all that makes sense at this point, is
to remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible,
to run until my lungs collapse. focus on something on the
horizon. i may have to imagine another place that has yet
to exist because i honestly see no future at all. but i’ll never
be able to lose you completely, because my love stretches
as far i do. wherever i am, it’s there. & i will be watching,
though i don’t believe you’d ever look back.
scene 168
were ghost-written in a ghost town. all there is to go on,
are a couple words cribbed from king james. how can you
know for sure such a man actually exists? how can you
find such a man, especially if he doesn’t want to be found.
say what you like about american dreams, hard work,
pulling oneself up by one’s bootstraps. the truth is, there’s
very little movement between the classes. the female is
more likely to make the jump by marrying up. of course
this rides mostly on physical attraction. but no one wants
to hear this. who wants to consider that the world’s balance
depends on commerce, not love or truth or genuine beauty.
or that those not blessed with a marketable talent will likely
toil under suffocating conditions that can crush the spirit
of the strongest. what would be the point? would people
rise up & demand change? more likely, it would only seal
their fatalist thinking. ashes to ashes stand a better chance.
odds never posted on flesh & bone.
scene 169
search for meaning is seldom anything more than foreign
substances in the bloodstream or a sermon that demands
we suspend all belief for a moment before moving on.
we dabble in all sorts of foolishness because we once
heard it worked for someone, somewhere, though the
details are sketchy. & we pretend to forget what’s been
passed on by straight forward philosophical scrappers,
while listening intently to boxed in, scrubbed down,
puppets of mediocrity who can speed read without
losing that dazzling smile. never questioning the light
before them. because there has to be something more.
there’s has to be a reason for everything beyond any
scientific explanations. maybe we will find some satisfaction,
some contentment, some peace of mind. & maybe it’s true
that it’s all in the striving. but try telling that to a man jacked
on bad medicine or one clutching at his shirt as if he could
get inside & yank those chest pains out. tell that to labored
last breath shudder, or emaciated children with eyes pasted
shut & death buzzing faintly as if far away, though it’s right
there beside them, but no one has the heart to tell them,
or else they can’t be bothered. they have there own survival
to worry about.
scene 170
you won’t discuss it with me. am i the problem? then is
there someone else who’s the problem? well, it must
concern someone. or are you the problem? i want to make
you feel better. i don’t suppose i can take myself out of
the equation. is that what’s wrong? do i think only about
myself? if there’s no context within a dilemma, i do tend
to walk away, to ignore it if it poses no immediate danger.
i don’t think this is an unusual reaction. i think words like
empathetic are bandied about by those who want to crown
themselves virtuous & noble. if you need to talk about it,
then chances are it doesn’t come naturally. it’s all about
religious affiliations & inflated egos. i don’t deny i can
get lost in myself sometimes. but that doesn’t mean i’m
not concerned about you. you haven’t been yourself lately.
see, i’ve been paying attention. this means i can’t be myself
when we’re together. it’s becoming very uncomfortable
here. can’t you give me at least one reason i should stay,
or one reason i should leave.
there & let her slap me around. i know i should have walked
away. they taught us that in anger management classes. but
i had nowhere to go. it was past midnight. it was too cold to
sleep in my car. i’m beginning to think i was setup. it all
went down so clean. it was all laid on me. i went from the
wronged party to a bully bad guy. i should have seen it.
the way that letter just happened to be sitting on the floor.
no way i could have missed it. the way she knocked over
the fan before crashing into bed drunk. knowing that i had
to work two shifts/sixteen hours the next day, & needed
to get sleep. the way she went to the emergency room the
next day, even though she only had bruises. knowing
damned well she’d be asked how she got them & the
police would be called to investigate. the way the cops
would read me my rights, though i had no idea what i
was being arrested for, right there in front of my daughter,
& i kept interrupting, & they kept telling me to keep quiet
until they were done. the way it felt like my daughter
would never see me the same. i was wrong. but what
you did was evil.
gotten. can’t it wait? this hardly qualifies as an emergency.
i’m starting to see that you make these unreasonable requests
to test me. you want to see how serious i am. you believe
very little i say. it’s so ####ing obvious. you may as well
smirk at me every time i speak. you’re trying to drive me
off. but you won’t come right out & admit it. tell me i’m
no longer needed here. that you’ve squeezed me for all i
had. that i’m strictly ornamental now. or worse, a liability.
you had me going for awhile. you yanked me around, &
i let you do it. i put up no resistance. now, you not only want
to break my heart, but you want to make it clear what a fool
i’ve been. well, i’m still not leaving. it’s about to start
pouring out there.
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