Posted by marko on 1/17/2007, 7:53 am i’m smiling. i reach for you. you’re unhappy. you don’t it’s too late for confessions. we can no longer hear one scene 158 there’s nowhere to hide. my world has become too scene 159 these things take time. i’ve run through all the other scene 160 there’s someone else—we blurt out simultaneously. each scene 161 it’s not necessary that you believe every word. a line
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scene 156
try to hide it. you let me take you reluctantly, resigned,
completely detached. i continue anyway. though i know
how you feel. i’m a slave to my biology. this is no excuse
of course. i satisfy myself then ask what’s wrong. you draw
all the air in the room in, then let out a long sigh that
stretches even further than the distance between us.
cut to tomorrow. you’re bouncing around the apartment,
singing a song i’m not familiar with. you kiss me, then
ask how my day was. i shrug. i don’t say anything. i don’t
feel like talking. i flip on the tv & fall back on the couch.
you take my hand. you tug at me softly. you ask if i’d be
more comfortable in bed. you would keep me company.
i shake my head no. you let my hand drop. i hear you in
the kitchen making dinner. you’re no longer singing. two
days in two lives. two people never connecting. always
out of synch somehow. an arm’s length away, yet unable
to belong. emotionally isolated. we’ve given up trying to
remember what first brought us together. it seems too far
away to even imagine.
scene 157
another’s voice. somehow they’ve been filtered out.
the words have been replaced with distractions. you have
your. i have mine. it worked for awhile. in the beginning
i gave it a few weeks at best. but gradually it stretched
beyond both our expectations. i no longer saw an end in
sight. it was disorienting. i’m a man of extremes. though
i don’t have the same range i once did. the distance between
my cynical fatalism & my more delusional thinking has
closed. they’re almost back to back. i expect a showdown
soon. i lose my place. i start in the middle. i count backward.
i can’t feel a difference any more. i ask you if you have any
idea what happened. i become angry when you don’t answer.
i see your lips move. yet i hear nothing. nothing that i could
possibly translate. i decide to write it all down. it reads like
poetry. i didn’t intend for it to sound that way. i hand it to you.
your face gives nothing away.
small. there’s nowhere to run. she’s blocking the only
exit. there’s a heavy cloud of smoke. it won’t budge
when i try to cut through it. my hands waving about
like two disoriented birds who have muddied their
honing skills with too much nod. she says—i thought
you were supposed to be baby-sitting. before i can answer
she says it again, much louder than the first time. i explain
that i am. she’s sound asleep in the bedroom. my buddy
doesn’t say a word. he’s made no move toward the door
either. i say she’s right in the next room. i can hear
if she starts to cry. i decide i better turn the music off.
her eyes dart around the room. i try to follow them but
can’t keep up. the immediate future is hazy. i can’t
imagine what comes next. i see her lean down & pick up
one of my steel-toed work boots. my reaction time is impaired.
i don’t make the connection until it hits me squarely on the
nose. white light pain shoots through my head, then turns to
red sparks. i hear what sounds like canned laughter. i don’t
get it. my eyes fill with tears. i’m blinded. instinctively my
hands fly up to my face. i feel something went wrong. i
feel some serious damage has been done.
explanations. none were satisfactory. none came close.
i can only hope that time is on my side. that it doesn’t
wait to swing by when i’m not here. either dead to the
world or out running an errand. i can only hope that by
then i’ve learned the difference between a lucky break &
a precise, graceful cut. between absolute want & absolute
necessity. in the meantime i suppose i have no choice
but to fall back on worn out adages. the more ambiguous
the better. the more possible conclusions, the less chance
of being pinned down for an answer. i have to be patient
or risk giving away my coordinates. i must throw my
thoughts to dense abstraction, to absolute chaos—if
that’s not a contradiction of terms. this could be the
perfect disguise. but i have doubts i can pull it off. i may
need to write my way around it instead.
of our words could be tagged with a question mark or
trail off in small drops. i’m not sure if she’s asking me
or telling me. she doesn’t know if i’m confessing or
making an accusation. i suppose this is the best we could
have hoped for. inevitability suspended in both disbelief
& certainty with no wires showing. no reason to move closer
to gather more conclusive evidence. nevertheless she’ll
start digging with those sharp nails. nevertheless i’ll go
to any extremes to prove i’m in the right. it would be
make sense if we both walked away. but we’re afraid to
turn our backs. fearing a desperate, dangerous reaction, or
possibly fatal retribution. we could both be innocent. we
could both be guilty as sin. or it could be more complicated.
it could be one or the other & vice versa. but right now we
can’t see this. we barely recognize one another. soon we may
not recognize ourselves. i always suspected that she was
faking those simultaneous orgasms. i probably would have
done the same if i could get away with it.
here & there would be sufficient. i’d appreciate it if
you wouldn’t interrupt. if you’d let me finish before
you cut loose on me. i know what your reaction will be.
it will come fast & furious & without mercy. therefore
i’ve worked this scenario into the story ahead of time.
it doesn’t have to be startling. it doesn’t have to be
unpredictable. it doesn’t need to be inked in. it doesn’t
have to mention every small detail. it doesn’t have to be
entertaining. it doesn’t have to qualify as art. however
there must be something in there to hold your attention
for a few moments. i know it must seem as if i’m stalling.
but i’m not. i realize a build-up like could spell a huge
letdown. i’m hoping that my words will deepen your
understanding of a situation that seems to defy any
logic, or explanation. i’m hoping we can work around
all this. i’m hoping it will soften your blows.
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