Posted by marko on 1/12/2007, 8:30 am i check my watch. i forgot—i left it at home on the scene 132 i lay the meds on the kitchen counter. five before bed i’ve misplaced my script. i’ll have to wait to see how it could have been an inadvertent slip of the tongue minus scene 135 i tried to make a place for you. but you wouldn’t sit scene 136 i find myself mysteriously following strange shoes.
65.167.39.237
scene 131
dresser. i’ve done this twice already. that is, tried
to check the time & found no watch, not leave the
watch on the dresser. i’ve done that on numerous
occasions. i’ll no doubt do it again. i shift my weight
from one side to the other. i can’t seem to find a
balance. this applies to all aspects of my life, not
just my equilibrium. i bend my left leg at the knee
to ease the pain, which shoots down the left leg but
never the right. i look like a stork that’s been plucked.
i think to myself this isn’t worth waiting around for.
but quickly convince myself that indeed it is worth
waiting for. in fact, it borders on the absolutely
necessary. i feel hollowed out. but i can’t be because
i also feel nauseous. i feel like someone else is
pulling the strings. i try to remember when i didn’t
realize there were strings. maybe there were no strings
at all. it must have been long ago. i’m afraid i’ll
become tangled in them. especially if i make any
sudden moves. this sounds ridiculous or insane,
depending on one’s ability to appreciate the absurd.
but i think it’s neither in this case. i’ve had to disengage
myself many times. always swearing that i won’t let
it happen again. that i’ll be more careful. that i’ll
keep my mind on one thing at a time. i check my watch
again. then i remember that i forgot.
& four when i get up. after i take my morning ones, i
usually count out that night’s worth & also tomorrow’s.
then later i go into the kitchen for coffee or to get
something to eat, & see them there & i wonder if i’ve
forgotten to take them. i try to remember. this rarely
does any good. so i wait until around noon. by then
i can tell if i’ve taken them by the way i feel. but
sometimes i have to wait till two or three in the afternoon
because it’s too close to tell. one thing is for certain,
my memory isn’t getting any sharper. i first thought
it was because i was preoccupied with so many
other things that i couldn’t focus on the moment. but
that theory has been shot down since i have very little
responsibility these days. now my mind is either
racing at breakneck speed or tabula rasa. so i’m trying
to catch up or i’m dragging something behind me that
may or may not be my mind. i don’t want to look back
& check. i can’t remember why.
scene 133
this plays out before i know if it has a positive or
or negative effect on my lifestyle. though i can’t
imagine myself as having a lifestyle. i’ve never used
the word when describing the past, present or future.
i’ve decided i don’t care for the connotations of the
word, so i’ll cut it in half. that sounds more soulful
i think. i’m always losing things. that is, what i never
find. but this doesn’t qualify for that designation yet.
there’s a period of time that must pass. i can’t quote
the exact numbers. i just suddenly realize it’s time to
give up. this realization comes out of nowhere. i’ve
asked around. but i’m having trouble describing it.
i leaf through the dictionary & thesaurus. i run down the
alphabet silently while simultaneously trying to carry
on a conversation. i never imagined how much i’d grown
to depend on it.
scene 134
any freudian implications, or it could have been a heretical
burn him at the stake. it could have been a misprint that
nobody caught, or it could have been buried in the graffiti
of youth or intentionally white-washed by those who
dictate taste & standards. it could have stumbled in
accidentally, mistaking there for here in the darkness
& with a few pops under its belt, or it could have been
breaking & entering with malicious intent. it could have
been a slight miscalculation, or it could have been deliberately
led astray. it could have been thrown out by mistake, or it
could have exploded & been sent hurtling into no trespassing.
it could have been a false impression through no one’s
fault, or it could have been a hallucination of a perfect
replica. it could have been an innocent oversight, or it
could have been a blinding light aimed directly at my eyes.
still for that. there was a misunderstanding. my actions
must have appeared threatening to you in some way
or another. i admit i can be intense at times. i can be
overly enthusiastic. but these are my good points.
i ride a well-greased sliding scale. somehow you
knocked it all the way over here. so i’ve been operating
at a ninety degree angle. i’m sure it was unintentional
on your part. if it had been calculated, i would have
picked up on it. & if it was, & for some strange reason
i missed it, then surely you’d have recognized the
results as your work of art. then you would have stayed.
then you would have known that you had total control
of the monster.
i have no “thing” for shoes. no foot fetish of any sort.
i’m always tugged by parts of the anatomy generally
accepted by society’s standards as normal. those used
to sell something. often blown up beyond all expectations.
the style isn’t particularly appealing. the color does nothing
for me. it all appears to be irrelevant—at least from my
perspective, which is the only one that would seem to
matter at the moment. after all, i’m the only one pulled
toward this inexplicable attraction. i would have noticed
if there was anyone else in my orbit. i’m very sensitive
to that. i hear a voice. it’s exactly as i’d imagined it
would sound. this should tell me something. but it
doesn’t. having said all this, i’m still not certain if i’m
the one being addressed. & i’m not sure why i’m so
afraid to look up.
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