Posted by marko on 1/11/2007, 9:05 am i needed to take a drive. nowhere special. i just needed scene 127 i wish you’d refrain from calling it this & that. it scene 128 a wound that never heals. i’m sorry, but i can’t explain i did bang the dents out first. it was built that way, or scene 130 i never said i was supposed to be there. i said i
65.167.39.193
scene 126
time to think. a place where time isn’t doled out in
manipulative chunks. it feels the way absent-minded
looks, though there’s no relation when you get down
to brass tacks. the details can metabolize at their own
pace into a close enough resemblance to make it worth
the mileage. i can drive as fast as i like, & not feel
like i’m rushing myself. i can start off in any direction
& still end up there. only the time span varies. i can’t
do that here. you need to have your hands on the clock
at all times. i wasn’t trying to be funny. i don’t respond
well to structure. i’ve told you this before. but you
refuse to compromise at all. if i took you with me, it
would kill the purpose of the trip. you would never
just go along for the ride.
diminishes the entire conversation. it makes me
question the relevance of my words. the amount
of time spent constructing them into blocks of
honest communication. instead of trying to explain
what you mean each time, why not find another way
to say it. wouldn’t that make more sense? wouldn’t
that save both of us a lot of semantic confusion,
& having to inch our way up & down the conundrum
every damned time we talked. if it doesn’t hold up
over a certain period then it’s probably not structurally
sound. i don’t think it can be measured. i think you
need to play it by feel. i’m speaking for myself here,
but like my lungs are filling up with water, & my
tinnitus is jacked to thousands of stray signals. then
the water turns to ice. then i hear nothing.
it any clearer than that. & if i could, what difference
would it make. i don’t believe you can talk your way
out of the pain, or around the pain, or through the pain.
try not to think about it...do you realize how ridiculous
that sounds? i know that people use that phrase all the
time, but that doesn’t fill it with meaning, or convey
honest concern, or give it validity. it’s an empty platitude
no matter how you pronounce it. i won’t let it heal?
you think i enjoy this. you think i want sympathy? you
think i’m bucking for martyred status? i’d as soon be left
alone. i’m not looking for a cross to nail myself to. i
was giving you the facts. i was giving you an answer
as best i could. i couldn’t be any more direct. there
was no poetry in there. i didn’t hear any at all.
scene 129
at least it was that way when i got it. you wouldn’t
remember because you were someone else’s world
then. you weren’t a part of my reality. i was another
face in the crowd, albeit a pretty one. it drives better
than ever. i realize that one has nothing to do with
the other. try it for yourself before you begin to
construct an argument. hit route 11 running & air it
out. i did try to scrub that off. it wouldn’t budge.
i don’t think it’s a bloodstain. it could be one of a
hundred accidents. i meant spills. i think you’re
looking for a reason to make me feel more guilty
than i already do. i was going the speed limit. i always
come to a complete stop. i wasn’t under the influence
of anything illegal. i can show you the bottle & prove it.
hadn’t been invited. that’s not the same as being
where i had no business. it seems that way now,
in retrospect, because of all the problems it caused.
but if you take all that away then you probably
wouldn’t even mention it. you would have forgotten
it by now. no, it wouldn’t need to be forgotten since
there would be no reason to remember. the timing was
bad. it had nothing to do with bad intentions. it was
one of those things. it could have easily gone in a
hundred different directions. some things can’t be
prevented. that’s fate. there’s no way of predicting
some things. not everything can be screened. if we
did that, then we’d never get anywhere. we’d analyze
ourselves right into a state of suspended animation.
we’d be unable to make any decisions because the
process would drag us into constant reconsideration.
i admit that one night it would have been preferable.
but you wouldn’t want to live your whole life that way,
would you?
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