Posted by marko on 12/30/2006, 9:24 am i was just cruising around & thought i’d stop. i had would you like some? well, don’t say i didn’t ask. i wish i spent three hours waiting in the emergency room. what i might seem disoriented, but don’t let looks or gestures scene 78 i was told it was a minor disagreement. but something hit that kind of beauty is only left with memories. it cruises scene 80 there’s nowhere left to hide, to lose yourself—except
65.167.39.199
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no intention of coming by when i left the house. i like
to travel the back roads, & it’s not like you’re in the
middle of nowhere. i suppose it could have been a
subconscious thing. but i wasn’t thinking about you.
i haven’t thought about you in months—i swear. maybe
i saw a car that reminded me of yours. i see you still have
it. could have been a billboard where words got
scrambled up in my head. i noticed they put a light
there. it’s about time isn’t it. it was only a few miles
from here. you feel like taking a ride over that way
with me? it’s ok—i understand. i’d as soon forget
about it myself.
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i could afford something better. it’s like an acetylene torch.
feels like i’m being assaulted from the inside. bare bones
rolling down a dark street. a row of houses that all look
the same. & i’m not sure it makes any difference what
door i open. are you sure you don’t want a taste? suit
yourself. the devil’s breathing down my neck. he knows
what boards are loose, where the roof leaks, where hope
escaped through an unlocked window. burnt motor oil
& something that got pushed to the back who knows how
long ago. a red plastic funnel coagulated from the heat.
a tin number is now required. smoke coming out of every
orifice like a cartoon character. what are going to do but
laugh? there’s some here if you want it. i’m just saying,
if you do.
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a way to spend a saturday night. i probably started a
couple hours too soon. but i could feel that anger rising
again, & i needed to take away the edge. a telephone call
set me off. nor even a call—a message of the answering
machine. i tried to call back. i waited all ####ing week to
see her. i could feel my brain pushing up against my skull.
that’s what happens. i’ve seen the x-rays. not tonight. when
i had that brain scan. after so many it’s hard to tell. i was
talking to a woman i knew. i hadn’t seen her in a long time.
a couple years. or a couple months. that’s neither here
not there. the point being, before you interrupted, is
that was the last thing that made any sense. it looks worse
than it feels. yeah. tomorrow i’ll know it’s there.
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deceive you. i adhere to a strong work ethic. i impose
a strict discipline on myself. it might not make sense to
some—because their minds can’t keep up. i race circles
around even the professionals. that’s why i’m the success
you see standing before you today. i never take precautions.
i hit it full throttle. i take my chances. they call it multi-
tasking now, but i call it too much of a good thing, or
getting away before they know what hit them. there’s
nothing to understand really. it’s impulse. you hold on
tight & ride it. you let the flow take you where it will.
i’m a purist. let it roll around awhile. eventually the
pieces will start falling together. it just won’t be like
anything you expected. so you need to keep an open mind.
i’m like this almost all the time. so tell me now if you’re
not up to it.
the water. there’s no arguing that. it wasn’t a largemouth
snatching a dragonfly out of the air. i was dozing. i only
heard the tail end of it. it doesn’t matter if you believe me
or not. wait three days. it should clear up by then. i hope
i’m wrong. i doubt it was over as woman. more likely a
cash transaction of some sort. at that time of the morning
it’s hard to tell. at least two people have said it made a huge
splash. there might not even be a connection. i’m not
saying there is. but it seems awfully coincidental. the time
frames match up. i’m going on hearsay mostly. like i
said—i missed most of it. i didn’t hear any gunshots. just
yelling. when i was a kid my uncle was doing his slideshow
routine. one of the slides was of a woman who’d drowned
& washed up on shore. she didn’t look human. but like a
blowup doll. why would someone stick something like
that in-between family snapshots? i thought that was strange.
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for years. but those last twenty years or so are difficult to
deal with. someone’s always willing to say yes. to give
them whatever they want. be it attention or an expensive gift.
usually it’s both. they never have to work hard for it. it’s
a fairy-tale existence. but eventually the pieces start falling,
& the looks begin following someone else. they can’t live
with that. they walk backward even before they look over their
shoulder. they don’t want anyone to see. but it’s obvious.
that desperation can’t be disguised. the masks that the rest
of us wear on occasion aren’t an option. because the face
always looks the same, except a bit less lined. they never
learned, or never tried more likely, to see that life’s not a
monologue with a few seconds of dead air to be filled with
total agreement. that kind of beauty is mythic. but even
myths are replaced with something that better suits the times.
in your own mind. they can track you down no matter
where you go. mexico, the netherlands, mozambique,
timbuktu. they’ve got your number. a complete change
of identity is possible. all the proper papers. a birth
certificate of someone about your age that unfortunately
never made it this far. a social security card, driver’s
license, a passport. though a passport is tough to get
now. they run you through more than once. not like
the old days when they stamped everyone ahead. you
know they have satellite surveillance that can pick up
conversations right in your living room. people worry
about cell phone calls, but they can hear you anywhere.
your mind is the only place left. you let go. you let
it have the reigns. you become someone that even you
don’t recognize.
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