Posted by nrm on 12/25/2006, 10:49 pm Happy young Christmas carolers sang songs about ‘joy to the world’ just outside his window. After changing his diaper, he opened his window and yelled “Shut up out there! You eroded little maggots of earth!” “Hey! you sick old worthless troll! What’s the big idea! Throwing a sandwich at my kids head when he’s singing Christmas carols! Come on down here and I’ll beat your ass!” The upset father and crying children headed off down the street. The sick old troll flopped back down on his bed, grunting. His deformed drooling toothless cat came and sat on his chest and began to purr. The sick old troll stared into the cats green eyes. “Why do I have to wake up at all. When am I just going to croak? What do I have to live for anyway? No one loves me.” he said, to his wise old cat. “Quit your pessimistic pity party trip you deranged old fart. Get up off the bed. Take a look at the beautiful sun shining this morning. Go out and smell the God given fresh air. Be thank full you are free and not locked up in some jail full of sickos. Take a refreshing swim in a sparkling clean lake. Try smiling for a change and stop taking all the beautiful little things for granted.. meow” the cat told him. He stared into the cats green eyes, his expression changing from a frown to a look of bewilderment. “What the hell do you know? You’re just a grimey old rotten cat, that would still be on the streets if I hadn’t taken your flea ridden germ infested mangy ass in from the cold last year. Now get off me, I gots to get ready for my shit job at the mall..” he said, pushing the cat off his chest. “You really need to work on that attitude Mr.! I’m telling you! Life is to short to go around being a depressed old grouchy troll, take it from me, meow.” “Shut up cat, where the hell is my Santa uniform? I’m going to be late for work again.” “You barfed on it last night after chugging down that fifth of Canadian mist. You threw it in the closet, you crazy old drunken sick grouch. Meow.” “Oh shit. that’s right, thanks cat.” All these ungrateful little brats came and sat on his lap all morning telling him what their already spoiled greedy hands wanted this year from the all mighty Santa. “I want a train set.” a runny nosed fat boy said “Well maybe you can buy one kid, when you grow up and get a job working fast food, after you flunk out of college, now get off my lap you little turd.” “I want a plastic pin ball machine and a new skateboard Santa.” a scrawny little pencil neck, big coke bottled wearing glasses kid said. “Well isn’t that just swell, maybe I’ll bring you a lump of coal instead, or how about a new face? Cause I’m telling you now kid, with a mug like that, you’ll be a virgin your entire life, now get off my lap before I puke on you. You little shit bucket.” “I want the new ken and Barbie doll set and a new breed cabbage patch doll, and I want the new Britney Spears Christmas album.” a smug little freckled face girl said, with a pretty pink church dress on. red white and blue ribbons hanging from her pig tails. “How bout I bring you a fresh needle of heroin and a crack pipe for when you grow up to be a pot faced snaggle toothed homeless street whore, you conniving little nightmare.” This went on most of the morning. The old diaper wearing Santa troll was a horrible horrible man. His cat was right about him. Meow. It was almost lunch time when a sad little boy with big blue eyes and salvation army looking old clothes came and sat on Santa’s lap. “And what do you want little Mr. innocent?” Santa asked, sarcastically. sneezing on the kid. The little boy looked up at him with his gigantic blue eyes welting with tears and began to mumble something. “Speak up you little shit, Santa has bad ears from years of vicodin abuse.” “All, umm, all… I uhhmmm, really want, Santa…all I really want.. Is uhhh…” the young boy tried to say, tears pouring down his face… “Spit it out you creepy little gromit, it’s almost my lunch time, I got a big fat spliff waiting to be sparked up, and a pint of vodka calling my name.” “Uhhh, all I want is my family back Santa, they all died in a car accident 3 weeks ago, and and,, uhhh. Uhmm.. I have this empty feeling in my stomach, and I cry myself to sleep every night.. that’s all I want Santa. Is my family back.” Old Santa troll had a sudden change to his entire persona, it was like a heavy weight fighter had just sucker punched him in his gut. He sat staring at that crying kid, and for once, he was speechless. An odd feeling coming over him. He tried to open his mouth to comfort the kid, but no words were coming out. Tears began to roll down his big rosy cheeks and red bloated nose. He pushed the kid off his lap and ran out of that dam mall, ripping off his Santa uniform before he reached his lemon of a car. He tore down the freeway back to his crappy house. Bursting out into loud sobbing crying fits, almost convulsing. He ran in his front door, uncontrollably crying, gathering all his booze bottles and drug paraphernalia up and throwing them out in the garbage. His cat watching in amazement, thinking, what’s this sick old fart doing now? “Good Lord in Heaven above! I ask you for forgiveness for all my retched sins! I ask you to come into my life from this point on and help me to change my ways! Good God help me! I’m so sorry for everything Christ! Forgive me!” he screamed, falling over into a fetal position, still sobbing and shaking. “Hey man, old smelly troll, you ok? What’s all this about? You going to tell me what happened at work? Meow.” “Not now cat. Not now, we’ll talk later. I must go sleep now and prepare for my new life of light. Tomorrow I am going to church.” the old troll collapsed on his moldy dust mite ridden bed and began snoring right away. His green eyed cat sat on his chest, staring at him, wondering what had brought on this sudden change. “I’m sure it wont last. but least he’s trying.” the cat meowed, licking the old trolls nose, wondering when the last time he changed his diaper was.
Message modified by board administrator 12/26/2006, 11:51 am
One Last Christmas Story Of Hope
By NRM
The bloated smelly Christmas troll rolled from bed and plopped onto the floor, hitting his hung-over head with a thud. His cat running for cover. The troll began his morning ritual of hacking up pounds of phlegm from decades of bong residue stuck to his black lungs. The troll crawled his blubbery body to the bathroom to change his soiled diapers.
He threw a half eaten bologna sandwich at them. It hit one of the kids in the head and the kid began crying. The kids dad got pissed off.
Another kid started crying.
“Piss off. Get the fuk off my property! And take all those worthless little shit bags of human sperm with you!” the old troll yelled, throwing his dirty diapers out the window at them now.
He checked his diapers one last time, putting on his whiskey puke covered Santa uniform, heading to his minimum wage job as Santa at the mall. His piece of crap 2 door old rusty 77 chevette back firing down the freeway as patsy cline sang about falling to pieces through the muffled broken car speakers.
After throwing all that out, he fell to his Knees. Clutching his bible.
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