Posted by marko on 12/12/2006, 7:10 am i can be reckless with things that are easily broken. i’m not the first to say that a man’s got to know his standing patiently in line i’m standing in line with everyone else, waiting for
65.167.39.234
pieces of yet another porcelain angel
i dropped or threw to the ground
depending on who’s story you believe
things that i want to keep. it’s almost as if i’m testing
both them & myself, to see how long i can juggle
a glass swan or spin my wheel while going sixty
miles an hour. i want to see how long they will stick
around after all the slivers are plucked out, after
the bandages come off. it will give me some idea
how long they might stay after the well runs dry.
this isn’t a commendable part of my character.
nonetheless it’s valid when you take into consideration
the entire story. it goes against what my faith has
taught me. i guess i should stop qualifying my
apology. my reflexes aren’t what they used to be,
but i thought that maybe my heart & soul might
make up the difference. i’m not going to sweep
the pieces under the rug & disappear this time.
i’m staying put. i’m going to listen to every word.
i’m going to take my medicine. i will not write
off my responsibility. you will never know i was here.
white noise is the paste that holds my thoughts together
limitations. a man needs to steer clear of his
weaknesses. no matter how much he thinks he
has everything under control. no matter how
confident he is. how sure that he’s got it licked.
no matter how strong he believes he’s made
himself, whether alone or by faith in something
larger than his own ego. but he’s always one
moment away from disaster. one move away from
hell, either here or farther along. i’ve been accused
by some, & complimented by others, for seeming to
be under control much of the time. they have no
idea how this works. i was taught to keep quiet &
take it like a man. this was a struggle, since by nature
i’m an emotional person. but i’d usually take it like a
man, sometimes for so long that i’d feel myself regress
by a frightened child or a become a monster. it was
hard to predict. i continue to hold my emotions in
check too long sometimes. i’m medicated to a calm
bordering on comatose at times. but i still can feel
something moving under my skin. something wanting
to get out.
waiting for possibility to come screaming by
the wheel to stop. the lines keep growing longer,
even as the prize grows smaller. along the streets
are peep shows behind bullet proof glass. this kills
time. once in awhile the waiting gets to someone &
they run amok, firing at anything that moves. then
there are those who’s work is much more calculated.
who see fear as high recognition factor, an ultimate
compliment. there has never been a more vicious
animal that roamed this earth, either made in his
image or his imagination. sometimes we don’t see it
coming fast enough. there are a wide range of
possibilities here. there’s a broad representation
of us also. there’s no way to always know when to
move. this is called equal opportunity. once a day
a survey is passed around. this seems to calm
everyone down. this fools us into thinking that
they’re at least considering our ideas & feelings.
occasionally somebody stops & asks if we’d care
to pray with them. there’s no telling what sort of
reaction this will evoke.
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