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Posted by GPG on 10/31/2004, 3:45 pm, in reply to "Re: good greif this sounds familiar" This is exactly what my H used to say to me as well. I convinced myself that I was ok with not getting the details too. I had to ...because I wasn't going to get them so I had to make it alright somehow didn't I? Well after awhile I just couldn't make it alright anymore. He wrote a letter to me with all the details of their first time intercourse. You wrote "He states that all of our arguments lead right back to this. Now with this and all the little things that have added up, he feel like it is not going to improve. I want to see my marriage work and I do want to get back to "normal life". I have played the victim role really well. I just really wish that he understood just how devastating this is and how much it can change your life. I think by him not understanding and not talking with me about it has made it worse." Yes it has made it worse. I can tell you from experience. My H constantly said that everything led back to the affair and so he didn't want to talk about anything. He just couldn't get that if he lied to me....it was about the trust that was destroyed by the affair. Or if he came home late and didn't even bother to call....I didn't trust him yet and that was because of the affair. when nothing has been resolved and you are still not healing so many things point back to the affair. because they envolve trust, or lack of empathy or caring or the belief that we have that they just don't want to make it work enough to do the hard work. I regret not finding a really good counsellor in the beginning. I am looking for one now. I gave up on them and I shouldn't have. I just should have tried harder to find a better one. He wouldn't look if it killed him. He was over it he said and didn't need one. And if I could just get over it too then I wouldn't need one either. He has changed a great deal since those days. He is willing to go back to counselling now, He is doing many of the things that I needed him to do back then. I came very near to the end of my rope and I had many health problems. He used to keep thinking that time would heal everything. there is a saying on these types of boards
"He says you know what goes on between a man and a woman and that is all that I need to know."
but he deleted it before he gave it to me.
But I had spyware on the machine and saw it all.
That is how I finally got some of the details.
and the knowing helped me get rid of some of the imagined things that I thought they did together. After much proding and and fighting about it he finally told me most of what was missing from their other encounters.
more came out recently and because I had already heard most of it, it didn't bother me as much.
Knowing certainly saved me from wondering if everytime I did this or that with him....did she did it the same way or in the same position?
IT is not the time it is what you do with it.
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