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Posted by Joy on 10/28/2004, 7:33 pm, in reply to "I don't like conflict either....." I'm sorry, but that kind of frequency tends to lead me and others to think that he is still deep in a fog about his relationship with her! He can do his visitation and make arrangements about the child without daily calls. This is very strange and cruel to you! Tell him it hurts you so much to see his continued apparent interest in this woman. He is speaking to her, not the baby. Most likely the OW takes these calls as just to her, the baby is just a topic. I'm sorry, but your not brain dead and he doesn't need to do what he is doing. He needs to present a united front with his wife, not showing himself as continuing in deceit. Visitation is outside of her home. Someone else goes with him that you trust until things calm down and your presence is not such a treat to her. The OW has a darn good reason why she doesn't want you around and it is not because she is affraid of you! She is letting her child be with you, so why the alone time with the H? He is leaving himself up for accusations also. It will generate gossip by him being around her and all those phone calls. The OW can start spreading lies also to make trouble between you. You'll find, if something doesn't feel right, it usually is not right. I'm not saying he is still having sex with her, but he is still playing the game and letting her have all the control. Does he check up on all of his children everyday? Asking him to call with you is not unreasonable. But, watch yourself, the first time you go into some rant he will use it as a reason not to be with you when he calls. WG, he is covering something up. Stand your ground now or you might just be paying later! Your husband needs to make himself and his actions very open to you. NO SECRETS! This is the only way to rebuild trust. You should not have to feel bad about checking up on him, he shattered your trust and security. Heck, he should be man enough to put your needs before his need for secrets and privacy. He should be telling you to look all you want, he has nothing to hide! You could then just keep finding nothing and rebuilding trust in the long run. As you continue to keep finding nothing and only finding him doing the right thing, then you will not feel the need to check up anymore. This is not an overnight process when so much damage has been done to your trust. Don't expect to much from the early sessions. It can be more of a getting to know you and finding the problems. Many have found the need to change counsellors more than once until they found someone who was right for them. Prayers are with you, Joy
Message modified by user Joy 10/29/2004, 5:46 pm
I just cannot see any reason for him to be calling her everyday. It's not like the child is old enough to speak with him. The OW knows how to reach him if something is wrong. So, what is his excuse for the frequent contact?
Those calls are not all about the baby. The baby has no idea he calls! It's like an addiction, she talks him up and makes him feel important.
It's not to much to ask that he have you around during the calls about OC. You can promise not to interfere in the conversation, heck the OW doesn't even have to know, nor his busy-body family! If there is nothing wrong with what is said, then what is there for him to object about. These affair relationship can be addicting, the secrets, the ego boosting of having someone else pleading for you etc.
He will have no proof if she does. It's about putting protective boundaries in place. Protecting his wife and marriage from further harm and protecting him self from temptations and compromising situations.
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