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Posted by apaman I wish you all the best, I can't say I will go or stay, I can say my opinion of the role of this board on my life has changed and I must decide where that leaves it in the Grand Scheme of things. I appreciate your honesty. You are right about one thing Beth, this is a place for newly labled BS's. The rest of us need to move on.
on 10/26/2004, 1:40 am
Message modified by user apaman 10/26/2004, 1:43 am
I just crawled in bed and suddenly realized something that I felt compelled to post.
I am a person that seeks fairness. I don't pout, I don't set idly by and I don't expect anything I don't feel I deserve.
This board and the other have at this point caused me more pain and frustration at the hand of Beth and SUN than I have experienced relief. So is my marriage, It has caused me more pain than pleasure (of all types) to this point. I now seek fairness, well balance is more of an accurate term. My problem is that I seek the balance from the source of the pain. Right or wrong, that is what I do. I guess I came back here and posted such material to try to find that balance for sources of my pain. What did I find, more pain at the hands of the same person.
When I look to my wife I find the same. I will never leave my wife. Right or wrong, I will stay with her. I made a promise to her that I will not break. If more people would face responsibilities in such a selfless manner then none of us would have need of this board. I can continue to deal with this, and I will. I can continue to be a good father, and I will. I really feel that my wife will come around. I have seen the progress she is capable of when she is allowed to deal with her past at her pace. A pace Beth wasn't happy with. I think that someday my love for her will break the bonds of her heart once again and we will talk alone. I will not allow anyone else to treat her as she was treated on the boards.
Call me a martyr, call me stupid, call me whatever you will. But call me a devoted loving husband. As for the board, I doubt there is a balance here for me. Beth will never change, I can't find peace here. Beth keeps working to discredit me at a time I don't need to deal with it all. I have enough without her using me and my wife to make herself feel above her issues.
I have said I was leaving before, but I come back, all in seeking help and that help will achieve balance. I think it has been proven this round that there is no balance here, only pain.
Besides I think that I harbor a very unhealth dose of resentment toward Beth that will do no one hear any good. I also KNOW that she will not leave well enough alone, she has promised and threatened to do so in the past and we see how far that went.
I may lurk, but I doubt if I put my heart on the line again, it isn't worth it. My wife was right. This is okay for getting the basics out of the way if you are lost, but when it gets deeper, there is no help here. Most of the old posters, including me are here because they are stuck in some manner whether they want to admit it or not. Why else would someone stay here in this constant pain?
I appreciate those that truly help.
I appreciate my wifes views on this board, I really think she made alot of sense and this last exchange just proved it, to me at least.
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