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Posted by apaman That said, Tig, I know every single word of your advice is sound. I disagree that I expect any special treatment due to my past health issues and resent the implication. I bring it up only after the forced explainations brought up by BETH. I think if you are able to recollect, I may have mentioned that I was going through a bout of impotence at one time, but not in such detail until I felt I HAD to. I do not make issue of my physical problems outside this board and don't tell many people I was ever paralyzed. I do stand by the statement that if you have never been there, don't judge.... you are alive in a dead body. It is degrading in a way that infidelity is not. I have faced degradation in many forms and battled back. Sure I want someone to side with me. Sure I want lifted up, who here doesn't. In the words of Forrest Gump....that's all I got to say about that. All I wanted was for someone to see the depth of what I was dealing with. How can that happen if no one knows that depth? May I ask if you or any others had given any thought to just how deep it went? I must add a couple things. First, can anyone understand the depth of what I am facing if I don't go into the details of that which I am dealing with? Secondly, Like any human, or beast, If I get kicked enough when I am down, I fight back. To Beth, I have never told you how bad you hurt my wife before now because I wouldn't allow you the satisfaction. However, I am tired of this and I will tell you outright, You say that we pass ourselves off as the poster children for recovery....have you seen me offer much help at all to anyone since my wife left this board or have you seen me falling apart? I blame that squarely on you and SUN. I found your post below about how you felt the right to come here and say whatever you feel needs said a true picture of who you are. You don't come here and voice your pain or issues, you appease them by belittling others. You and Sun both build yourselves up by making others feel lower. Where are your issues? Yes, I bring up Mike on purpose, hoping you will face your issues and leave mine alone. Tell you what on the off chance I ever decide to post any of my problems again, know that your opinion is not only unwanted, but will be considered a blatant attempt to continue your campaign against my wife and I. Your constant bringing up our past and causing us to repeatedly rehash and defend that which we have moved past does no one any good and has caused us great harm. Just like SUN I have asked you repeatedly to restrain from posting to us or anything about us but you just can't seem to allow us that courtesy.
on 10/26/2004, 12:46 am
I wish that my posts from this am hadn't got lost. They were very good, (biased opinion) and explained or answered most of what is pertinent.
However, I got a HUGE trigger when I started to go over what happened on the other board and how Beth and SUN treated my wife. Then I lost it and I see the resulting post was deleted, and rightly so. That said, I still feel, exactly as posted. Beth intentionally caused that foray at a time my wife was making HUGE steps. The resulting frakass with her and SUN, and the fact that Beth started again on this site as soon as she tried once more, have left my wife in a state of unwillingness to speak to ANYONE including other counselors, or even ME! SO, I can assure you this is very personal for me.
Your advice is simply what every BS must face. I decided to stay. However, I have also taken on dealing with a wife with issues based on activities that have absolutely nothing to do with me or any treatment given her at my hand. I have been so careful throughout our entire relationship of 22yrs to not upset her and to allow her whatever she needs to deal with life, that I have taken little time for my significant needs. Too little! Well, that is changing. I now have needs. I have needs that have only been brought up on 3 occasions. Twice during the big fights that come with this territory and the other night, that I posted about. I DO NOT force my needs on her. I do not pout to her when expectations aren't met. I smile and be the dear loving husband. Healthy, no, but this process of going from martyr to seeing that my needs are met in this relationship is going to have to be a very gradual one if it is to work. That is advice from a very highly regarded local marital counselor. I do seek advice from time to time from former colleagues but to sit and listen to the whole schmere will not work.
What I need is a friend that I can run to, spew my frustrations and go back to my wife. Sorry, but I thought that is what this board was for. You see, my wife will NEVER come back here I assure you, so I felt comfortable doing such.
I also know that my ever fluctuating testosterone levels do nothing to aid my wife or I in this process. Guess who got a shot this morning. When my level is low, it bothers me much worse. I know it, my wife knows it, Lena knows it 
... but knowing it doesn't fix it.
Have you ever asked anyone here to just drop it?
Are you asking me? I don't think so, but in my choices I move on with her or without. I am trying to move on Tig. I think even you missed the point here. I am past the betrayal in the terms you described in red print. That is history. Now, to be able to move on, I must deal with the details of my wifes sex acts with the OM, no matter if she were drugged or sober, whether it was for sexual gratification or brought on by mental scars from her childhood, if I am to move on as you suggest, I must deal with it. You well know that moving around an issue without working through it is useless. That issue will rare its ugly head again and be even harder to deal with. I know from experience. I know from training. I know. So, now I must face and deal with the very explicit, vulgar sex acts that were performed by my wife. A secondary fallout of that is jealousy. Sorry folks, but I am a man. I am jealous. I know what the books say about it and how to deal with it. But knowing is not nearly as easy as dealing. I know what I must do, but I also know that I am human and I get frustrated. When frustrated I realize that I am no good to anyone, so I came here to try to rid myself of that frustration and hopefully do it with some understanding friends.
Beth has made it a point to do just that. She knows full well that I will fight back. She counts on it to use my reactions to discredit me to everyone. I know how paranoid that sounds and I have thought it through. If it were an isolated incident, I wouldn't feel so strongly, but it is a common occurrence. If she hadn't caused such horrendous pain and setback for my wife, I would not get so upset. But, she has! Training or not, I find her actions very defaming and I have lost all repect for her. I watched my wife BEG her not to do what she did to her on the other board. Then I watched as my wife was forced to try to explain actions that she was just barely starting to understand herself. I then watched as she and Sun ripped her to shreds. I have said it before and my feelings are the same....DAMN THEM!
I am convinced that if Beth had left well enough alone, my wife would be on an entirely different level of repair right now. But, she has withdrawn and all our hard work is lost. That is why I blow off steam here, not to her. In the mean time, I guess I will just have to go scream to the interior of my truck. I no longer have a place of comfort. I know a little of how my wife feels but very little I am sure. I can't imagine being her when Beth plays her games.
I must ask, did you accomplish what you set out to this time?
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